Jesus Himself stated that all the commands of God which He has given for good (because He alone knows what is best for us) can be summed up in two commands alone. 1) Love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and 2) Love our neighbor as ourselves. (Matthew 22:37-40). Sounds easy enough doesn't it? Easier said than done that is. I often read these Scriptures with wonderful warm fuzzies and then seconds later am hit with the reality of the command in comparison to the reality of the human heart--especially my own. Of course I love God. However, am I loving Him with all that I am and all that I have above all my human worldly pursuits and ambitions? Of course I love others. However, am I loving only those who love me and treat me kindly when it is to my own benefit? What about those who are my enemies? What about those who are unkind to me? What about those who treated me wrongly and unfairly? Do I show them love inwardly as well as in action? Jesus commands that we love not only those who love us, but those who we would classify as our enemies and not only love them but bless them and pray for them. (Luke 6:27-28). None of this can be accomplished and done on our own relying on our own sufficiency, but only in asking God to show us how to do the impossible in His sufficiency. God hears and answers and provides the supernatural strength to be who He asks us to be. This is where the battle of my life and heart have been in the past few months.
God has given me the gift and the passion to be a teacher as ministry at church, but also as ministry and a job in the public school system. Every year God gives me 90 plus students and their families to love and to serve and to teach with the heart of Christ. It is not an easy job. It has its ups and downs. It is a job of endurance and labor of love. However, I would not change it for the world. It has always been my belief based upon the Sovereign control of the Lord that no one is my life by accident. My God entrusts my students to me for His reasons. Every year I learn just as much from them as I hope and pray they learn from me.
This year, the lessons that I have learned from some of them (and the Lord) have been born out of some of the deepest and darkest pain that I ever felt in some time. Students that I have loved and have worked hard to serve worked together to use the internet and technology to spread a cyberbully campaign in order to make fun of me, my personality, my faith, and my teaching. It went on without my knowledge for months though I could feel its effects as I taught in my classroom and walked the halls of school (there were issues and prayers for wisdom, guidance, and direction since mid September). When the full circle of all that happened came to the surface, I was beyond brokenhearted and crushed. It was the week before thanksgiving as well.
All I kept thinking of was God's Word that states to be "thankful in all things" and to "rejoice in all things." My only response back was a wrong heart "thankful for what?" However, there was quickly one thing that I could be thankful for and that was that God was the only One who truly knew and could understand the feelings of my heart. He alone is the Healer of the brokenhearted and promises to be close to the brokenhearted. I had two options 1) Run AWAY from Him 2) Run TO Him. And RUN TO Him I did. I was thankful that it was Thanksgiving break in a few days. I used Thanksgiving break to battle the despair of my heart with the promises of His Word and Who He is and drowned much of myself into Him. He renewed me in His strength and hope. I didn't know HOW, but I did know WHO. I didn't know WHY, but I knew WHO controlled all things. I knew that I COULDN'T, but that HE COULD. So, yes. I could choose to be thankful. I am not so much thankful for what happened, but I can praise Who He is and has been in the middle of it all. 1) No matter what happens in life He is a loving Father Who has blessed above that which I deserve. The blessings are better than I ever deserve and the hard times are better than what I deserve. 2) All things will work together for my good because He alone is good and knows how to give His children good things 3) He alone knows how to get me to the other side of the storm as He is in control of the storm that is allowed. 4) He will make me better and stronger for the journey.
The hardest part of it all is that God has been and still is working on the character and who I am in my heart. I certainly have not been perfect in all of this. He is teaching me to love and serve those who have hurt my heart with a true inward sincerity. This can only be done in relying on His help and strength. It has served much in learning God sufficiency versus self sufficiency. God has given me many joyous and wonderful moments with them that have come from His hand alone. I cannot take the credit. He is allowing me to show them who I am as a Christian and not just telling them. He is helping me see all the more the love that He has for me for He loves me and forgives me even in my darkest moments. In turn, I am called to provide others the same benefits. Lord, help me to be who You need me to be. Teach me and show me the way. For You have placed me on this earth and with these students "for such a time as this."
P.S. I am thankful also to others for their prayers in helping me fight the enemy and be strong and happy in heart.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
When the Light of Christ Reveals a Crack in the Pot (Part 1)
I cannot believe that today is the last day of my summer break. This teacher is still very tired. This teacher could use at least another two weeks or so to relax and get some things accomplished. However, this teacher is excited and eager to go "back to school." It is teaching and leading children that fulfills the purpose that God has created me to do. I have missed that purpose in the last two months and look forward with nervousness and joy to get that purpose going again.
As a Christian, I am a student under the teaching of the Master teacher. His textbook which is approved by Him and written by Him is the Bible, His Holy Word. It will never expire in 7 years and have to go to a new textbook adoption committee like school textbooks do. It will stand forever (Isaiah 40:8). His Word is quick, powerful, sharper than any twoedged sword, is a divider of soul and spirit, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12). God has used His Word greatly over the course of the last month to take me "back to school." He has used His Word to reveal what would seem at first to be small, but yet upon closer inspection big flaws in not only my actions but character as a Christian woman. The perfect Light of the character of Christ, has shown through the darkness of my sinful heart, exposing two major areas of my life that are in need of molding and repair by God, the Master Potter (Isaiah 64:8). I will reveal and uncover both of these areas one blog post at a time as I believe it will be difficult to put them together in one post. Therefore this is Part 1. Part 2 will come in time.
If someone were to ask you to list the top 5 qualities/characteristics that should be evident in the life of a Christian woman, what would your list include? Take the time and create this list for yourself.
I know that inquiring minds would want to know my list. Here it is:
1) Kind/Gentle
2) Generous
3) Compassionate
4) Forgiving
5) Honest/trustworthy
So how did my list compare to yours? Somehow I believe that at least a few words were similar. In this post I wish to speak of my number 5--Honesty or Trustworthiness. I want to be a person who is honest. God is Truth. His Word is Truth. God delights in Truth. Therefore, I want to be a person that people can trust to speak the truth.
I would like to think of myself as a fairly honest person. As a child, I would run to my parents and teachers with the truth, even when I was not caught in my misdeeds. More than once I have turned in lost wallets/purses. More than once I have returned money when too much change was handed back to me and even given to me in paychecks. I have been tempted by bosses in the retail world and teaching world to represent information dishonestly and have refused--even if it meant my job. I have received awards specifically for the characteristic of being honest. All of these things are wonderful and show the working and strength of God upon my life in helping me to show forth honest things. Praise God! I have set out writing this blog as a means of being open and honest about the journey of my heart in the Christian life. I have been very honest about things that are hard to admit. But truly, how honest am I? The last month has shown me that I am not as honest as I would like or more importantly that God would like.
I took a challenge in my devotional study to listen and examine my communication. OUCH! It was here that I found and undercovered much lying and deceit. It was not in "big" things. It was in things that humanly speaking were "small." Let me clarify. I view sin as sin. I am not under the notion that there are big sins and little sins. All sin is sin, missing the mark of God's perfection, disobeying Him, and displeases Him. When I say that I lied about "small" things I mean that they are things in which telling the truth would be nothing huge. Here are examples of my life in which I found that may help one to understand. Warning: If you read these examples and find that you are the friend, please forgive me for my dishonesty. I assure you that God in His loving discipline is dealing with me and working to help me correct my sin in this area.
1) A friend asked me how things were going in casual conversation. Even though I was having a hard time and things were not going so well, I found it acceptable to say that I was doing great. I did not have give them a whole book or every detail. However, I could've said that I was going through some difficulties in which God would get me through and that I would appreciate their prayers. Dishonest vs. Honest
2) A teacher friend and I were talking about lesson planning for the upcoming year. As we were talking I got to thinking of a great idea for a lesson for mathematics. In speaking with the friend, I spoke of my idea as having already used the plan in my classroom. I should've said something along the lines of getting a new idea that I was going to plan to use in classroom this coming year. Dishonest vs. Honest
3) I am a person who is such a perfectionist that when it comes to big projects (planning, lessons, deadlines, grading, assignments, items that I am in charge of for a group). I spend much time planning in my head, but wait for the last minute to get it down on paper or to get it started. This summer I have shown much progress in working at things well in advance. :-) However, at times I need the pressure of a deadline to make it happen. I am at times very ashamed of this even though I take things seriously, spend much time on them, and they get done well. In my pride I will tell people that I already have things done that I do not have done--even though I still have time to finish it. Instead I should tell people that I have it thought through and need to get a little more motivated and confident in the plan of mind to put it to action. Dishonest vs. honest
4) I am not the best cook in the world. I am more of a baker. I am getting better at cooking now because of my special diet that is different and needs variety in order to keep to it. I am enjoying learning to cook for my diet. In my past because I could not cook, I have claimed to have made something that I did not. Truth is that I did make it in some form, but it was really store bought at best or from a box. Though most of the time I am honest in this area, I caught myself on this awhile back. Dishonest vs. Honest
I think that I could come up with many more examples. When God and I looked at this seriously it was like finding a flea. You never find just one. Where there is one, there are many more. God gave me examples going back for a year or more. These things are not the big things in life. Would someone who is truly my friend love me any less for having a difficult time, coming up with a new lesson plan idea to try and share for our benefit, not having started something officially yet as long as it was done well, or for using store bought resources well to provide food for myself or others? I would hope not. So why would I feel the need to lie and at times not even realize the lie that came out at that moment until days or hours later? The only answer that I have is that of sinful pride.
I want to be a good Christian friend. I want to provide for honest things before God and men (2 Cor. 8:21) not only in the big stuff, but in the little details as well. God has shown me the little seeds of dishonesty that I have sown into relationships that are important to me. It has been an overwhelming flood of sadness over these seeds of sin. I want to be 100% trustworthy. I hope that those reading this can still love and trust me. God has broken me here and is working to put me back together anew. In the last few weeks I have seen due to Him much growth and victory in this sin area as I have given this to my Potter.
"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it." Jeremiah 18:4
As a Christian, I am a student under the teaching of the Master teacher. His textbook which is approved by Him and written by Him is the Bible, His Holy Word. It will never expire in 7 years and have to go to a new textbook adoption committee like school textbooks do. It will stand forever (Isaiah 40:8). His Word is quick, powerful, sharper than any twoedged sword, is a divider of soul and spirit, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12). God has used His Word greatly over the course of the last month to take me "back to school." He has used His Word to reveal what would seem at first to be small, but yet upon closer inspection big flaws in not only my actions but character as a Christian woman. The perfect Light of the character of Christ, has shown through the darkness of my sinful heart, exposing two major areas of my life that are in need of molding and repair by God, the Master Potter (Isaiah 64:8). I will reveal and uncover both of these areas one blog post at a time as I believe it will be difficult to put them together in one post. Therefore this is Part 1. Part 2 will come in time.
If someone were to ask you to list the top 5 qualities/characteristics that should be evident in the life of a Christian woman, what would your list include? Take the time and create this list for yourself.
I know that inquiring minds would want to know my list. Here it is:
1) Kind/Gentle
2) Generous
3) Compassionate
4) Forgiving
5) Honest/trustworthy
So how did my list compare to yours? Somehow I believe that at least a few words were similar. In this post I wish to speak of my number 5--Honesty or Trustworthiness. I want to be a person who is honest. God is Truth. His Word is Truth. God delights in Truth. Therefore, I want to be a person that people can trust to speak the truth.
I would like to think of myself as a fairly honest person. As a child, I would run to my parents and teachers with the truth, even when I was not caught in my misdeeds. More than once I have turned in lost wallets/purses. More than once I have returned money when too much change was handed back to me and even given to me in paychecks. I have been tempted by bosses in the retail world and teaching world to represent information dishonestly and have refused--even if it meant my job. I have received awards specifically for the characteristic of being honest. All of these things are wonderful and show the working and strength of God upon my life in helping me to show forth honest things. Praise God! I have set out writing this blog as a means of being open and honest about the journey of my heart in the Christian life. I have been very honest about things that are hard to admit. But truly, how honest am I? The last month has shown me that I am not as honest as I would like or more importantly that God would like.
I took a challenge in my devotional study to listen and examine my communication. OUCH! It was here that I found and undercovered much lying and deceit. It was not in "big" things. It was in things that humanly speaking were "small." Let me clarify. I view sin as sin. I am not under the notion that there are big sins and little sins. All sin is sin, missing the mark of God's perfection, disobeying Him, and displeases Him. When I say that I lied about "small" things I mean that they are things in which telling the truth would be nothing huge. Here are examples of my life in which I found that may help one to understand. Warning: If you read these examples and find that you are the friend, please forgive me for my dishonesty. I assure you that God in His loving discipline is dealing with me and working to help me correct my sin in this area.
1) A friend asked me how things were going in casual conversation. Even though I was having a hard time and things were not going so well, I found it acceptable to say that I was doing great. I did not have give them a whole book or every detail. However, I could've said that I was going through some difficulties in which God would get me through and that I would appreciate their prayers. Dishonest vs. Honest
2) A teacher friend and I were talking about lesson planning for the upcoming year. As we were talking I got to thinking of a great idea for a lesson for mathematics. In speaking with the friend, I spoke of my idea as having already used the plan in my classroom. I should've said something along the lines of getting a new idea that I was going to plan to use in classroom this coming year. Dishonest vs. Honest
3) I am a person who is such a perfectionist that when it comes to big projects (planning, lessons, deadlines, grading, assignments, items that I am in charge of for a group). I spend much time planning in my head, but wait for the last minute to get it down on paper or to get it started. This summer I have shown much progress in working at things well in advance. :-) However, at times I need the pressure of a deadline to make it happen. I am at times very ashamed of this even though I take things seriously, spend much time on them, and they get done well. In my pride I will tell people that I already have things done that I do not have done--even though I still have time to finish it. Instead I should tell people that I have it thought through and need to get a little more motivated and confident in the plan of mind to put it to action. Dishonest vs. honest
4) I am not the best cook in the world. I am more of a baker. I am getting better at cooking now because of my special diet that is different and needs variety in order to keep to it. I am enjoying learning to cook for my diet. In my past because I could not cook, I have claimed to have made something that I did not. Truth is that I did make it in some form, but it was really store bought at best or from a box. Though most of the time I am honest in this area, I caught myself on this awhile back. Dishonest vs. Honest
I think that I could come up with many more examples. When God and I looked at this seriously it was like finding a flea. You never find just one. Where there is one, there are many more. God gave me examples going back for a year or more. These things are not the big things in life. Would someone who is truly my friend love me any less for having a difficult time, coming up with a new lesson plan idea to try and share for our benefit, not having started something officially yet as long as it was done well, or for using store bought resources well to provide food for myself or others? I would hope not. So why would I feel the need to lie and at times not even realize the lie that came out at that moment until days or hours later? The only answer that I have is that of sinful pride.
I want to be a good Christian friend. I want to provide for honest things before God and men (2 Cor. 8:21) not only in the big stuff, but in the little details as well. God has shown me the little seeds of dishonesty that I have sown into relationships that are important to me. It has been an overwhelming flood of sadness over these seeds of sin. I want to be 100% trustworthy. I hope that those reading this can still love and trust me. God has broken me here and is working to put me back together anew. In the last few weeks I have seen due to Him much growth and victory in this sin area as I have given this to my Potter.
"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it." Jeremiah 18:4
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Spiritual Battle Behind the Battle of the Bulge
I write this section of my blog with much fear, yes I said it fear. Why? Of all things to speak about among any audience, let alone women, weight is a very touchy subject. Every man learns quickly not to ask a lady her weight. Every lady knows that you only speak of your weight with a person you know, love, and trust--and even then it is difficult.
For those of you reading, I am no stranger to the issue of weight. When I speak of the issue of weight, I am not just talking about that 10 to 20 pounds that every person seems to want to lose. The only picture of me being a "normal" size is that of when I was 4 years old in a beautiful sailor dress getting my picture taken at Sears. My whole childhood I grew up overweight. In the past 15 years my weight has been as low as 240 pounds and as high as 360 pounds. I say this to try to bring reassurance, creditability, and a caring heart in the nature of this topic of which I am writing.
I have recently lost 42.5 pounds (from 325 pounds to 282.5 pounds since May 19th) which has been a major victory and celebration for me. I do give the praise and the glory to the Lord in this physical battle, for reasons you will discover as you read. Many who have seen me and the change in a little less than 3 months have asked what I have been doing. My normal answer goes to that of a lifestyle change in eating habits to a more all natural, gluten free, soy free, and diary free diet whenever possible. However, there is a big part of the story that I often forget to mention. After speaking with a friend this week about some of the things that I often leave out, I feel the need to state the whole story. It is one that honors a God who is the ultimate Healer and Deliverer of whatever holds our hearts and lives captive.
In my previous blogs I have spoken about my turn back to the Lord from a lukewarm heart at best to one who is trying with His help to live daily in passion and continued spiritual growth in Him. In doing so, God has done much to heal areas of sin in my life, hurt in my life, and regrets of my life. He has used the good and bad of my life and actions to my good to make me more like His Son and to have opportunities unheard of to serve Him and others. However, if there is one thing that I have learned in my spiritual transformation, it is that God will not enter a place where we have not invited Him to go. He will use His Spirit to nudge and convict. Then when we are willing to cry out that we need His guidance, His strength, and His forgiveness, He enters into that area of our lives and starts to make changes. He loves it when we realize our weakness and need against His infinite, omnipotent supply. This is where my spiritual transformation began to take wings and fly. This is also where my physical transformation in weight began to do the same.
Around March of this past school year the physical struggles of my body were very evident as I could no longer go up and down my three story school building to get my students where they needed to go. My feet and knees were three times swollen as to where they are now. I was tired and had no energy to make it through the smallest of schedule days without crashing. I felt miserable. I did something that I had never done before for my physical state (except for minor sickness) which is call out to help from the Lord who I knew could do all things. I asked Him to enter this struggle with me and all the feelings of hurt that I had endured from others in being teased and cast aside for my outward appearance. If He could heal the spiritual part of me, could He not also heal the emotional and physical? Little did I realize the journey ahead.
People have always in help tried to tell me not to worry about my weight because it was the inside that counted. I love their thoughts and the truth that is behind them. Just look at what God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7 and what Peter told the ladies of the church in 1 Peter 3:3-4. The true beauty of a woman comes not from outward adorning, but from the inside character of the heart, flowing outward for all to see Christ in her. I want to be beautiful inwardly from the inside out. I want to show Christ to others from the inside out. That is the greatest desire of my heart. But...How can I be a minister to Him if my health is slowly keeping me from being able at a fairly young age?
Slowly God showed me something unheard of for me. I had to agree to one of the hardest sins that I had never in 32 years of life ever admitted to--that much of eating for me was not a way to stay nourished, but a way to fulfil and satisfy the lusts of the flesh. That eating was much a form of idol worship of my heart and life. That by running to food for comfort in times of emotion and stress instead of or alongside of Him was not a way to honor and glorify Him, but quite the contrary. Believe me that was a hard place for me to come to. However, God knew that if I ever was going to make progress that this step had to be one that needed to be taken. God had to work from the inside of me outward. So yes! Much of the battle of the bulge was a spiritual battle as well for me.
Once I was able to admit my sin in this area of my life, God knew I was ready for some answers of how to get started. My body as a Christian is His temple (1 Corinthians 3:16, 17 and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It is important what I feed it, what goes in it, and how I treat it. God then lead me to the information and program that I am working with now. It is one that is healthier and I believe that it is one that follows Biblical principals. Why did He not give me this information earlier? Personally, I was not ready. My heart needed work.
I know that I have a long way to go. I know personally that I could probably exercise more. I may not lose any more weight. I know I will never be a size 2. My desire is just to be healthy and treat His temple well. My desire is for food not to come before Him. I have a new perspective for who I am and what it means to put Him first. I say this not to get others to change or to say that what I am doing as a plan is right and the best. I just praise Him for working through my heart and providing answers as well a will power for me to be better spiritually and phyiscally in this area. It all started with the concept of Jeremiah 33:3. I called into Him and He answered my plea. :-)
For those of you reading, I am no stranger to the issue of weight. When I speak of the issue of weight, I am not just talking about that 10 to 20 pounds that every person seems to want to lose. The only picture of me being a "normal" size is that of when I was 4 years old in a beautiful sailor dress getting my picture taken at Sears. My whole childhood I grew up overweight. In the past 15 years my weight has been as low as 240 pounds and as high as 360 pounds. I say this to try to bring reassurance, creditability, and a caring heart in the nature of this topic of which I am writing.
I have recently lost 42.5 pounds (from 325 pounds to 282.5 pounds since May 19th) which has been a major victory and celebration for me. I do give the praise and the glory to the Lord in this physical battle, for reasons you will discover as you read. Many who have seen me and the change in a little less than 3 months have asked what I have been doing. My normal answer goes to that of a lifestyle change in eating habits to a more all natural, gluten free, soy free, and diary free diet whenever possible. However, there is a big part of the story that I often forget to mention. After speaking with a friend this week about some of the things that I often leave out, I feel the need to state the whole story. It is one that honors a God who is the ultimate Healer and Deliverer of whatever holds our hearts and lives captive.
In my previous blogs I have spoken about my turn back to the Lord from a lukewarm heart at best to one who is trying with His help to live daily in passion and continued spiritual growth in Him. In doing so, God has done much to heal areas of sin in my life, hurt in my life, and regrets of my life. He has used the good and bad of my life and actions to my good to make me more like His Son and to have opportunities unheard of to serve Him and others. However, if there is one thing that I have learned in my spiritual transformation, it is that God will not enter a place where we have not invited Him to go. He will use His Spirit to nudge and convict. Then when we are willing to cry out that we need His guidance, His strength, and His forgiveness, He enters into that area of our lives and starts to make changes. He loves it when we realize our weakness and need against His infinite, omnipotent supply. This is where my spiritual transformation began to take wings and fly. This is also where my physical transformation in weight began to do the same.
Around March of this past school year the physical struggles of my body were very evident as I could no longer go up and down my three story school building to get my students where they needed to go. My feet and knees were three times swollen as to where they are now. I was tired and had no energy to make it through the smallest of schedule days without crashing. I felt miserable. I did something that I had never done before for my physical state (except for minor sickness) which is call out to help from the Lord who I knew could do all things. I asked Him to enter this struggle with me and all the feelings of hurt that I had endured from others in being teased and cast aside for my outward appearance. If He could heal the spiritual part of me, could He not also heal the emotional and physical? Little did I realize the journey ahead.
People have always in help tried to tell me not to worry about my weight because it was the inside that counted. I love their thoughts and the truth that is behind them. Just look at what God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7 and what Peter told the ladies of the church in 1 Peter 3:3-4. The true beauty of a woman comes not from outward adorning, but from the inside character of the heart, flowing outward for all to see Christ in her. I want to be beautiful inwardly from the inside out. I want to show Christ to others from the inside out. That is the greatest desire of my heart. But...How can I be a minister to Him if my health is slowly keeping me from being able at a fairly young age?
Slowly God showed me something unheard of for me. I had to agree to one of the hardest sins that I had never in 32 years of life ever admitted to--that much of eating for me was not a way to stay nourished, but a way to fulfil and satisfy the lusts of the flesh. That eating was much a form of idol worship of my heart and life. That by running to food for comfort in times of emotion and stress instead of or alongside of Him was not a way to honor and glorify Him, but quite the contrary. Believe me that was a hard place for me to come to. However, God knew that if I ever was going to make progress that this step had to be one that needed to be taken. God had to work from the inside of me outward. So yes! Much of the battle of the bulge was a spiritual battle as well for me.
Once I was able to admit my sin in this area of my life, God knew I was ready for some answers of how to get started. My body as a Christian is His temple (1 Corinthians 3:16, 17 and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It is important what I feed it, what goes in it, and how I treat it. God then lead me to the information and program that I am working with now. It is one that is healthier and I believe that it is one that follows Biblical principals. Why did He not give me this information earlier? Personally, I was not ready. My heart needed work.
I know that I have a long way to go. I know personally that I could probably exercise more. I may not lose any more weight. I know I will never be a size 2. My desire is just to be healthy and treat His temple well. My desire is for food not to come before Him. I have a new perspective for who I am and what it means to put Him first. I say this not to get others to change or to say that what I am doing as a plan is right and the best. I just praise Him for working through my heart and providing answers as well a will power for me to be better spiritually and phyiscally in this area. It all started with the concept of Jeremiah 33:3. I called into Him and He answered my plea. :-)
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
When Weeds are in the Garden of our Hearts
Weeds are like posion. They grow and seek to destroy by choking the life and the beauty out of a garden. Any avid gardener would be able to speak of the importance of getting rid of weeds. A gardener who is not diligent in removing weeds will place their garden on "life support" so to speak.
Christian, we have a garden. That garden is the garden of our hearts. Be not deceived. We MUST be diligent gardeners when it comes to our hearts. God says in Proverbs 4:23 "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." While God cares about all aspects of who we are, the best indicator of our spiritual health is our hearts. God looks carefully and cares about our hearts. Our hearts are only human on this side of heaven, but He desires and deserves the best of hearts that we can offer to Him. With that said, we must not be sloppy gardeners. We must daily ask God to help us examine our hearts (Psalm 139:23-24). Anything that He then shows us that is not in accordance to the truth of His Word and His character, is a weed of sin that we must not let grow any longer. When God shows us a sin weed, we must do what any good gardener does with weeds--remove, remove, remove. How do we remove the weeds of sin? We go to the Master Gardener, God, who is faithful to complete the good work that He has started in the lives of His children (Phil. 1:6). We must confess the sin weeds openly to God and declare with His help the desire to turn from that sin in repentance. Then God who is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9) goes to work to remove our sin weeds, making our garden weed free and ripe for growth.
Over the past two years I have worked hard with the Lord to keep my heart growing. I almost daily take time to be quiet before the Lord in prayer and the reading of His Word. I believe these two things keep the soil of my heart fertile and soft for growing. I have taken great pains to guard what I watch, what I listen to, who I am around, and where I am going. This is like spreading a little Miracle Grow. I ask the Lord to daily help me review the events of the day and examine my heart so that in confession and repentance, I can allow Him and His power to be the killer of my weeds of sin.
This month many battles and attacks from Satan, in spiritual warfare brought about some weeds of sin in my heart that were displayed in my inner thoughts and attitudes. Only the Lord and I could see them and knew of their presence. Sin weeds under the names of selfishness, pride, jealousy, anger, lack of faith/trust, unpure motives were raging a war on my heart due to my self-will in circumstances that I was hit with in the spiritual battle one after another. Many of these attacks came because Satan knew the work of the Lord that I was seeking to accomplish for the good of His kingdom. Satan wanted to distract me from doing the work and knock my focus in my ministry. The problem and the panic of my heart was that these weeds of sin in my thoughts and attitudes just would not die, even though I sought the Lord in confession and repentance. Yes they would go for a short period of time. However, they would not stay dead.
I did the only thing that I knew to do. Every time they arose, I went to battle in prayer to my wonderful God. Many times I fell numb to the floor over the condition of my heart before Him. I opened up everything I was feeling and how I was sinning, begging for relief and a permanent change of heart. The battle was exhausting at times. Not to mention that I physically got ill as well in the middle of the battle front. I also called a rally of Christians to offer my name before the throne of God. There is strength in numbers. A select few knew all the details of the war, while most only knew that I was in war and needed the armor of God and strength of the Lord around me. It did not matter, God knew the details and desires to set these hinderances aside. They only needed to mention my name.
Thank God for victory and relief for the present time. My heart is in a proper place in regard to the circumstances. My sin was still that-- sin. No excuses. I am responsible. However, due to my diligence and desire to protect my heart, the prayers of others, and a wonderful God, outward actions that could've come from those inner sinful attitudes were killed before they could bring harm and spread to others.
Christian, we have a garden. That garden is the garden of our hearts. Be not deceived. We MUST be diligent gardeners when it comes to our hearts. God says in Proverbs 4:23 "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." While God cares about all aspects of who we are, the best indicator of our spiritual health is our hearts. God looks carefully and cares about our hearts. Our hearts are only human on this side of heaven, but He desires and deserves the best of hearts that we can offer to Him. With that said, we must not be sloppy gardeners. We must daily ask God to help us examine our hearts (Psalm 139:23-24). Anything that He then shows us that is not in accordance to the truth of His Word and His character, is a weed of sin that we must not let grow any longer. When God shows us a sin weed, we must do what any good gardener does with weeds--remove, remove, remove. How do we remove the weeds of sin? We go to the Master Gardener, God, who is faithful to complete the good work that He has started in the lives of His children (Phil. 1:6). We must confess the sin weeds openly to God and declare with His help the desire to turn from that sin in repentance. Then God who is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9) goes to work to remove our sin weeds, making our garden weed free and ripe for growth.
Over the past two years I have worked hard with the Lord to keep my heart growing. I almost daily take time to be quiet before the Lord in prayer and the reading of His Word. I believe these two things keep the soil of my heart fertile and soft for growing. I have taken great pains to guard what I watch, what I listen to, who I am around, and where I am going. This is like spreading a little Miracle Grow. I ask the Lord to daily help me review the events of the day and examine my heart so that in confession and repentance, I can allow Him and His power to be the killer of my weeds of sin.
This month many battles and attacks from Satan, in spiritual warfare brought about some weeds of sin in my heart that were displayed in my inner thoughts and attitudes. Only the Lord and I could see them and knew of their presence. Sin weeds under the names of selfishness, pride, jealousy, anger, lack of faith/trust, unpure motives were raging a war on my heart due to my self-will in circumstances that I was hit with in the spiritual battle one after another. Many of these attacks came because Satan knew the work of the Lord that I was seeking to accomplish for the good of His kingdom. Satan wanted to distract me from doing the work and knock my focus in my ministry. The problem and the panic of my heart was that these weeds of sin in my thoughts and attitudes just would not die, even though I sought the Lord in confession and repentance. Yes they would go for a short period of time. However, they would not stay dead.
I did the only thing that I knew to do. Every time they arose, I went to battle in prayer to my wonderful God. Many times I fell numb to the floor over the condition of my heart before Him. I opened up everything I was feeling and how I was sinning, begging for relief and a permanent change of heart. The battle was exhausting at times. Not to mention that I physically got ill as well in the middle of the battle front. I also called a rally of Christians to offer my name before the throne of God. There is strength in numbers. A select few knew all the details of the war, while most only knew that I was in war and needed the armor of God and strength of the Lord around me. It did not matter, God knew the details and desires to set these hinderances aside. They only needed to mention my name.
Thank God for victory and relief for the present time. My heart is in a proper place in regard to the circumstances. My sin was still that-- sin. No excuses. I am responsible. However, due to my diligence and desire to protect my heart, the prayers of others, and a wonderful God, outward actions that could've come from those inner sinful attitudes were killed before they could bring harm and spread to others.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Overcoming Comparison = Greater Contentment
As a math teacher comparison is important to me. One of the most important concepts that I strive for my students to obtain is a solid grasp on comparison. I teach finding and using unit rates to figure out which product is the better deal. My 7th graders must be able to convert numeric values to the same form so that they can compare and order those values from least to greatest. Being able to compute tax and discount in order to find the best possible bargain on the same item is another important math concept that uses comparison. These types of comparisons are good. Who wouldn't want to be a smart shopper and save money, especially with the economy of today? However, I am learning that comparison needs to stay in the math class with numbers and not in mind and heart to compare myself against others.
Over the course of my life, I have carried around insecurities about myself. The biggest insecurity of all, has been my weight. I have struggled with it since I was in kindergarten. I grew up being picked on as a child. Even now, as an adult, many people treat me differently because of it before they even get to know me on the inside. On top of that, I am shy and secluded by nature until I really feel comfortable with someone. I am more than a little awkward and corky. I am a serious minded perfectionist that has a dry sense of humor. I am OCD when it comes to organization. I am so clumsy that I can trip over my own two feet and fall up the stairs. I am super emotional, take everything to heart, and cry at the drop of a dime. I never seem to have the right thing to say, even if I have a wonderful heart and purpose in my words. I could keep going, but I think that you get the point.
Everyone has their own insecurities. I have come to find that focusing on my own insecurities is a black hole directly from Satan that does nothing more that take away my time, energy, and worst of all--MY JOY! Christ came that I might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10). He commands that I rejoice always and have joy in Him (Philippians 4:4). Focusing on the insecurities of who or what we are not leads in one of two directions. The first is that it will cause us to compare ourselves to others in a way that puts ourselves down and lifts others up. The second is that it will cause us to compare ourselves to others in a way that will put others down in order to pridefully lift ourselves up. Either way, we put down the creation of Almighty God that He fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Also, our focus becomes ourselves and NOT GOD! We should look to Him as He is the author and the finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).
So how can I and others overcome insecurities? 1) Focus on Christ 2) Celebrate and embrace who He created us to be. He does not make mistakes. We are created the way we are for a reason and purpose. We each have different personalities, gifts, and experiences in order to complete with His help the work that He designed for us to do.
Mathematically speaking: Praising God for how He made me PLUS trusting God with His plan for my life MINUS complaining and coveting what I am not EQUALS greater contentment, joy, and purpose in ministry.
This idea is a major work in progress but...Thank You, Father for making me ME!
Over the course of my life, I have carried around insecurities about myself. The biggest insecurity of all, has been my weight. I have struggled with it since I was in kindergarten. I grew up being picked on as a child. Even now, as an adult, many people treat me differently because of it before they even get to know me on the inside. On top of that, I am shy and secluded by nature until I really feel comfortable with someone. I am more than a little awkward and corky. I am a serious minded perfectionist that has a dry sense of humor. I am OCD when it comes to organization. I am so clumsy that I can trip over my own two feet and fall up the stairs. I am super emotional, take everything to heart, and cry at the drop of a dime. I never seem to have the right thing to say, even if I have a wonderful heart and purpose in my words. I could keep going, but I think that you get the point.
Everyone has their own insecurities. I have come to find that focusing on my own insecurities is a black hole directly from Satan that does nothing more that take away my time, energy, and worst of all--MY JOY! Christ came that I might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10). He commands that I rejoice always and have joy in Him (Philippians 4:4). Focusing on the insecurities of who or what we are not leads in one of two directions. The first is that it will cause us to compare ourselves to others in a way that puts ourselves down and lifts others up. The second is that it will cause us to compare ourselves to others in a way that will put others down in order to pridefully lift ourselves up. Either way, we put down the creation of Almighty God that He fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Also, our focus becomes ourselves and NOT GOD! We should look to Him as He is the author and the finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).
So how can I and others overcome insecurities? 1) Focus on Christ 2) Celebrate and embrace who He created us to be. He does not make mistakes. We are created the way we are for a reason and purpose. We each have different personalities, gifts, and experiences in order to complete with His help the work that He designed for us to do.
Mathematically speaking: Praising God for how He made me PLUS trusting God with His plan for my life MINUS complaining and coveting what I am not EQUALS greater contentment, joy, and purpose in ministry.
This idea is a major work in progress but...Thank You, Father for making me ME!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Is Your Gas Tank Full or Are You Running on Empty?
As a child there was nothing that I enjoyed more than going on a car ride with my Daddy. It did not matter where we were going, I just enjoyed the ride. However, my Dad was famous for letting the fuel indicator light stay on a little longer than Mom and I would have liked. He would always tell Mom and I that we had enough gas for 40 to 50 miles or so and that we needed not to fear. However, I was always still afraid that Dad would push it to the limit too much and we would be stranded without gas in the car in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully, that never happened. He always got us to the gas station in time, even if we were as Mom would say, "running on fumes."
A gasoline powered car cannot run without gasoline. Electronics cannot function without either battery charge or electricity. Without water, sunlight, and roots planted firmly in the ground, a plant or tree will wither away and become non-living. A candle cannot shine a flame without a spark from a lighter or match. All of these analogies show the need for a power source in order to function.
The life and heart of a Christian is no different. God has a specific plan in mind for every believer crafted out by the Master Potter. (Jer. 29:11). The plan that God has for me in many ways is different than the plan He has laid out for you. He created us with different personalities, experiences, and spiritual gifts which are part of each individual's plan and purpose. However, there is much in His plan for every believer that is the same. First, we are all created to serve Him with gladness and give Him the praise for He is worthy ( Psalm 100: 2, Rev. 4:11). Secondly, we are all created to serve others above ourselves in Christlike love. In doing so, others will see our good works and glorify Him (Phil. 2:3-4, Matthew 5:16). These two ideas are how Jesus summed up the whole of all commandments. Therefore, my honest daily prayer is that of being a humble servant of God and others. That is the example that Jesus set and followed to perfection. How did He do it? He stayed in connection to and yielded control to the Father and the Spirit.
If the perfect Son of God needed to do this, then so do I. I cannot run on empty. I cannot be without reliance on my power source in order to fulfill my purpose. The same is true for all believers. He is the Vine and we are the branches. We can only produce fruit if we abide in Him. Without Him we are nothing, but with Him we can do all things. (John 15:4-5, Phil. 4:13).
In order to serve Christ and others to the fullest, we need to take time to fill up and connect to our source of power--Him. To do that we must spend time apart in personal study and prayer. We must seek His ways, His face, His power, His blessing, His Word, and His direction. We have to also rest in God-sufficiency and not self-sufficiency. Christ came apart from the crowds and His ministry to pray seeking the strength and face of His Father.
Believe me, I have often tried to serve in my own strength, especially in my early teenage years of ministry. Believe me, I have served without spending time with Him--just think of 5 of those 9 months in that downward spiral mentioned in my first post of which devotional time was 0% and prayer was minimal crisis prayers along the way. I do believe that God was able to do something with that time of ministry for His name's sake more than my own. However, the fire of the flame was not burning very bright. In my lack of connection to the source, I believe much work that could've been accomplished for Him and others was hindered.
What God taught me through the journey out of the downward spiral was a level of dependency on Him and His Spirit that I had never experienced. Praise God! The only way that I was going to conquer was in the strength and direction of my Lord and His answer to my prayer to change the yielding of my heart back to Him. The result has been that of prayer over each aspect of my ministry with children, adults, music, etc. I cannot impart to others a passion of which I do not first possess. If I am not the one ministering, I am in prayer for those who are doing the ministering. We all need prayer and help as we serve Him in a united heart and purpose. As I walk into situations in life, I find myself in a state of prayer for His strength and wisdom. It has become the closest to a state of continual prayer than I have ever experienced in personal practice. Again, I am not perfect, but learning that to be the most effective in service I need to stay connected to and rely on my One and Only power source. Then when He gives the increase, I must humbly give Him the credit, for it is His work. At times it is easy and tempting to be prideful in heart. I still must cling to the Word that correctly states without Him, I am nothing!
A gasoline powered car cannot run without gasoline. Electronics cannot function without either battery charge or electricity. Without water, sunlight, and roots planted firmly in the ground, a plant or tree will wither away and become non-living. A candle cannot shine a flame without a spark from a lighter or match. All of these analogies show the need for a power source in order to function.
The life and heart of a Christian is no different. God has a specific plan in mind for every believer crafted out by the Master Potter. (Jer. 29:11). The plan that God has for me in many ways is different than the plan He has laid out for you. He created us with different personalities, experiences, and spiritual gifts which are part of each individual's plan and purpose. However, there is much in His plan for every believer that is the same. First, we are all created to serve Him with gladness and give Him the praise for He is worthy ( Psalm 100: 2, Rev. 4:11). Secondly, we are all created to serve others above ourselves in Christlike love. In doing so, others will see our good works and glorify Him (Phil. 2:3-4, Matthew 5:16). These two ideas are how Jesus summed up the whole of all commandments. Therefore, my honest daily prayer is that of being a humble servant of God and others. That is the example that Jesus set and followed to perfection. How did He do it? He stayed in connection to and yielded control to the Father and the Spirit.
If the perfect Son of God needed to do this, then so do I. I cannot run on empty. I cannot be without reliance on my power source in order to fulfill my purpose. The same is true for all believers. He is the Vine and we are the branches. We can only produce fruit if we abide in Him. Without Him we are nothing, but with Him we can do all things. (John 15:4-5, Phil. 4:13).
In order to serve Christ and others to the fullest, we need to take time to fill up and connect to our source of power--Him. To do that we must spend time apart in personal study and prayer. We must seek His ways, His face, His power, His blessing, His Word, and His direction. We have to also rest in God-sufficiency and not self-sufficiency. Christ came apart from the crowds and His ministry to pray seeking the strength and face of His Father.
Believe me, I have often tried to serve in my own strength, especially in my early teenage years of ministry. Believe me, I have served without spending time with Him--just think of 5 of those 9 months in that downward spiral mentioned in my first post of which devotional time was 0% and prayer was minimal crisis prayers along the way. I do believe that God was able to do something with that time of ministry for His name's sake more than my own. However, the fire of the flame was not burning very bright. In my lack of connection to the source, I believe much work that could've been accomplished for Him and others was hindered.
What God taught me through the journey out of the downward spiral was a level of dependency on Him and His Spirit that I had never experienced. Praise God! The only way that I was going to conquer was in the strength and direction of my Lord and His answer to my prayer to change the yielding of my heart back to Him. The result has been that of prayer over each aspect of my ministry with children, adults, music, etc. I cannot impart to others a passion of which I do not first possess. If I am not the one ministering, I am in prayer for those who are doing the ministering. We all need prayer and help as we serve Him in a united heart and purpose. As I walk into situations in life, I find myself in a state of prayer for His strength and wisdom. It has become the closest to a state of continual prayer than I have ever experienced in personal practice. Again, I am not perfect, but learning that to be the most effective in service I need to stay connected to and rely on my One and Only power source. Then when He gives the increase, I must humbly give Him the credit, for it is His work. At times it is easy and tempting to be prideful in heart. I still must cling to the Word that correctly states without Him, I am nothing!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Overcoming FOF--(Fear of Failure)
As much as I hate to admit it, I confess that in my perfectionist personaility, one of Satan's greatest attacks on my heart and life is FOF--Fear of Failure. At times it will keep me from starting something new. What if it all goes wrong? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fall flat on my face? At times it will make me doubt myself every step of the way in works of service, ministry inside and outside the church, and other activites that I seek to be a active participant. In this case it becomes FIF (Fear I Failed) Was it good enough? Could someone else have done better? Oh, I missed that word, that note! I could keep going for a few more lines, but I think that you get the point. I know that I am not the only Christian out there that gets attacked by FOF and FIF. Satan knows that if he can get us to doubt the strength and power of the Mighty Lord that is within us, that he has us right where he wants us. It is a disarming blow. Great men and women of the Bible faced this same issue. Just think about Moses at the burning bush afraid to begin the work that God called him to. He spoke to God loaded with excuses for why not to begin the journey. Gideon threw out the fleece more than once looking for a sign of reassurance when the personal Word of the Lord was to him not enough. I can't help but to think that Courageous Queen Esther had some second thoughts of going to the king unannounced in order to cry a plea for her people--God's people.
Christian, God does not intend for us to live a life of FOF and FIF. I have a small personal shoutout of victory to God that I will share in the next paragraph, but right now I want to give you the Word of God which is better by far than my personal words. Here it goes: God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us (Phil. 4:13). The Lord our God is with us everywhere we go (Joshua 1:9). There is nothing that can separate us from Him and His love (Romans 8:38-39). He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world which allows us to be overcomers (1 John 4:4). What time we are afraid we are to trust Him (Psalm 56:3). In doing so, we are more than conquerors--not because of ourselves, but because of God who loves us (Romans 8:37). Those are some powerful words given to us by our Almighy God! I have to admit that it is easier to write and teach about this than to fully follow these concepts in my human frame. However, in holding to the Word and using it against the enemy, I often find much relief in claiming His victory over these fears.
Despite all this, I have held on to one MAJOR fear. However, within the last few days God's love and grace in the journey has broken through this fear. So here it is-- my personal story. It fits all three postings of this blog so far together.
In my first posting I spoke of how I let the circumstances of life over a job over a 9 month school year, three years ago affect my heart and relationship with God. Thankfully God tugged at my heart for a need to change that has led me over the last two school years into the closest relationship that I have ever had with my wonderful Abba Father. In fact, a relationship that I never dreamed was possible. It has been a journey of lifetime and I praise Him for all He is and what He has done. My relationship with God is important. I want it to be close. I want nothing that I do, others do, or the happenings of life to affect the sweetness of my relationship with my wonderful Lord and Savior. Herein lies the FEAR. What if I mess up and go back to that horrible place of 3 school years ago? That is a place I never want to return to. It was a downward spiral. What if I complete another 9 month downward spiral in my spiritual walk? What if I lose that which I hold dear and cherish? Silly questions, right? They especially go against all the Scripture that I listed above, but these were fears of my heart all the same. Also, being that I have made my journey and story very open to those around me--the last thing I have wanted to do was to be a disappointment to those who know my story and journey. I want to finish the race for Christ strong. This is more than a fad for I and the Lord know the seriousness of my heart.
So here is the ending. What about my major FEAR? What if I FAIL? God has made the answer very clear this week. "Jennifer, you are a sinner. Hate to break it to you, but you fail Me daily. Regardless of your performance I love you the same. There is nothing you can do to change My love for you or to earn the love I offer you. It is My gift of grace to you. Embrace it and hold it next to your heart. When you fail and fall into sin, run back to me ASAP. I am Your Abba Father and will embrace you My child with loving arms. You and I are in this together and I will never leave you."
Granted I always tried to follow that thinking the last two school years. I love my Father and do not like my sin that hurts my Father's heart. It means something to me and affects me dearly from every evil thought to every evil act of disobedience. It can't stay in my life and needs to be taken to Him immediately. While there was always such assurance of His love and forgiveness, I seemed to be held captive to thoughts of the sin meaning that I was back in the spiral again. How silly but the truth of how I felt. When I let the circumstances of my last blog post knock my devotional schedule off by 3 consecutive days of missed study, I felt like I was in that spiral for sure again. That was how the spiral started before--circumstances of my job. I was beside myself. I went to a few special Christian friends with my concerns and fears. I am thankful for their ministry to my heart at that time as I had already taken the steps back to Him, but the fear was still there. Also, thanks to the Lord, He has used that event to help me see that I AM NOT THAT SAME GIRL OF 3 YEARS AGO ANYMORE! Through the journey of the last three years especially, I am different. I can't help but to be. The Lord and I have gone through so much together to rebuild that which I had lost for a time and made it stronger. Can I chose to repeat that downward spiral again. Yes! I am not above doing so. However, through the work of getting out of the spiral with God the first time, I have memories and experiences embedded in my heart that will make it harder for me to fall away for too long. As I have stated before--I am better and stronger for the journey. I am confident that the experiences from the journey which are special memories with God and my God Himself ultimately will keep me from failling so as to present me faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy (Jude 1:24). Not FEAR. JOY! Not just joy. EXCEEDING JOY!
Christian, God does not intend for us to live a life of FOF and FIF. I have a small personal shoutout of victory to God that I will share in the next paragraph, but right now I want to give you the Word of God which is better by far than my personal words. Here it goes: God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us (Phil. 4:13). The Lord our God is with us everywhere we go (Joshua 1:9). There is nothing that can separate us from Him and His love (Romans 8:38-39). He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world which allows us to be overcomers (1 John 4:4). What time we are afraid we are to trust Him (Psalm 56:3). In doing so, we are more than conquerors--not because of ourselves, but because of God who loves us (Romans 8:37). Those are some powerful words given to us by our Almighy God! I have to admit that it is easier to write and teach about this than to fully follow these concepts in my human frame. However, in holding to the Word and using it against the enemy, I often find much relief in claiming His victory over these fears.
Despite all this, I have held on to one MAJOR fear. However, within the last few days God's love and grace in the journey has broken through this fear. So here it is-- my personal story. It fits all three postings of this blog so far together.
In my first posting I spoke of how I let the circumstances of life over a job over a 9 month school year, three years ago affect my heart and relationship with God. Thankfully God tugged at my heart for a need to change that has led me over the last two school years into the closest relationship that I have ever had with my wonderful Abba Father. In fact, a relationship that I never dreamed was possible. It has been a journey of lifetime and I praise Him for all He is and what He has done. My relationship with God is important. I want it to be close. I want nothing that I do, others do, or the happenings of life to affect the sweetness of my relationship with my wonderful Lord and Savior. Herein lies the FEAR. What if I mess up and go back to that horrible place of 3 school years ago? That is a place I never want to return to. It was a downward spiral. What if I complete another 9 month downward spiral in my spiritual walk? What if I lose that which I hold dear and cherish? Silly questions, right? They especially go against all the Scripture that I listed above, but these were fears of my heart all the same. Also, being that I have made my journey and story very open to those around me--the last thing I have wanted to do was to be a disappointment to those who know my story and journey. I want to finish the race for Christ strong. This is more than a fad for I and the Lord know the seriousness of my heart.
So here is the ending. What about my major FEAR? What if I FAIL? God has made the answer very clear this week. "Jennifer, you are a sinner. Hate to break it to you, but you fail Me daily. Regardless of your performance I love you the same. There is nothing you can do to change My love for you or to earn the love I offer you. It is My gift of grace to you. Embrace it and hold it next to your heart. When you fail and fall into sin, run back to me ASAP. I am Your Abba Father and will embrace you My child with loving arms. You and I are in this together and I will never leave you."
Granted I always tried to follow that thinking the last two school years. I love my Father and do not like my sin that hurts my Father's heart. It means something to me and affects me dearly from every evil thought to every evil act of disobedience. It can't stay in my life and needs to be taken to Him immediately. While there was always such assurance of His love and forgiveness, I seemed to be held captive to thoughts of the sin meaning that I was back in the spiral again. How silly but the truth of how I felt. When I let the circumstances of my last blog post knock my devotional schedule off by 3 consecutive days of missed study, I felt like I was in that spiral for sure again. That was how the spiral started before--circumstances of my job. I was beside myself. I went to a few special Christian friends with my concerns and fears. I am thankful for their ministry to my heart at that time as I had already taken the steps back to Him, but the fear was still there. Also, thanks to the Lord, He has used that event to help me see that I AM NOT THAT SAME GIRL OF 3 YEARS AGO ANYMORE! Through the journey of the last three years especially, I am different. I can't help but to be. The Lord and I have gone through so much together to rebuild that which I had lost for a time and made it stronger. Can I chose to repeat that downward spiral again. Yes! I am not above doing so. However, through the work of getting out of the spiral with God the first time, I have memories and experiences embedded in my heart that will make it harder for me to fall away for too long. As I have stated before--I am better and stronger for the journey. I am confident that the experiences from the journey which are special memories with God and my God Himself ultimately will keep me from failling so as to present me faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy (Jude 1:24). Not FEAR. JOY! Not just joy. EXCEEDING JOY!
Friday, June 22, 2012
When My Job Takes Over God's Right To Be Centerstage
Everyone likes to be centerstage every once and awhile. All eyes, all ears, all focus, all attention, given 100% in their direction. I would be lying if I did not admit that I am no exception to this rule. We all have a need to be loved, valued, and appreciated. In fact, I believe that is how God designed the heart's need of women especially. One (and I am especially speaking of myself) must be careful that this need does not turn into a sin of selfishness as well as a hunger to look to others instead of God for our self-worth.
In the heart of Christian, God desires that He be centerstage. No. God is not selfish and off on some ego trip. He lovingly cares for all of His children. He knows what is best for them and that goes back to commandment #1 in old and new testament form--To love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Nothing or no one above Him. Him first. He desires nothing more than His children to be devoted to and focused on Him. I will confess it. He alone is worthy of that devotion and focus. Life is more centered, happy, and balanced when He and He alone has centerstage in our heart and life. Great sadness and even destruction can come when a child of God loses this priority and focus. Peter is a good example. He was walking on the water as long as Jesus was his focus. When he took his eyes off Christ, he sank.
The last month has greatly had its ups and downs as focus on my job has been at times a winning temptation in knocking God off the centerstage of my heart. Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you that I am a perfectionist and workaholic. Many verses come to mind here such as Col. 3:23, Col. 3:17, Ecc. 9:10 which state the importance of giving each and every task its very best in honor of our Maker. There is nothing wrong with doing a great job and working hard. These are Bible principles. God wants His children to be the leaders in work ethic. Work should fulfill the purpose that God has for His children without becoming a bigger priority than the One who equipped His child for the work.
While I may not be the best teacher in the world, I do believe teaching to be my spiritual gift given to me from the Lord. I take great joy and pride in the calling as both a school teacher and church teacher. Teaching is a career of guidance, love, and selfless service. There is no greater joy than seeing the fruit of growth in those you teach and lead. It is God who gives the increase. Though at times a teacher plants the seeds and trusts in faith the increase because it is not always seen or visible-especially with the middle school age that I work with at school. They are a work in progress as much as I am in my Christian walk.
A month ago today my students took a state test for Virginia for mathematics. It was brand new in format. All teachers across the state were not ready for this change. I know that my worth and that of my students cannot be measured in one test alone. However, when my results came back I entered a level of sadness that I have not felt in a long time. Not to mention fear of what the future holds for my teaching job. I am not alone. Greater prophets and children of God have faced the same feelings--Job, David, Jeremiah, Elijah. It is not a fun place. We all want results for the work that we have labored. We want them visible. We often attach our worth to such performance based notions. NOT SO WITH OUR GOD! HE LOVES REGARDLESS OF PERFORMANCE!
While I tried to keep my focus on Christ and the foundation on the Rock, I constantly battled. I even let the Bible reading in my devotional time slip to a place that it has not been in two years by skipping 3 consecutive days of study. The only thing that I knew to do was to PRAY! And pray I did. God and God alone was the only One who knew the deepest cries of despair of my heart. He heard and understood every emotion and thought whether right or wrong. It was a battle. I determined that I had to keep praying and also STUDYING again. There were times when all my heart could think about was the emotions of what I was feeling. But I could not give up. There still were mountain tops and valleys in this process. Not all was perfect as this perfectionist would like.
My in and out lack of complete focus on God rather than the battle did not make the best ending of the school year. There were times where selfishly all I could think about was ME, ME, AND MORE ME instead of my school, team, friends, and students that I am also called to serve with a Christ-like spirit. What I wouldn't give to get that time back. They are only my students for a few entrusted months. What I wouldn't give to proclaim in witness to my co-workers a faith in God through the circumstances that I actively profess to have instead of seeing me after work in tears that represented lack of faith in an amazing God.
However, what I can give praise to God about (other than forgiveness in my human failure in all this) is that through it all, He has turned my tears into a NEW SONG of faith and love for Him. He is in control. I even sang before my church "God is in Control" as a solo to declare my hope and confidence in Him. He is in charge of my life and every circumstance is given for my good. I have a new happiness in returning to work in a few months and I am in prayer over the new group of students that will enter into room 134. I left my room a week ago today in prayer for my classes next year before shutting the door. Whatever happens next school year, my God and I will handle it together.
In the heart of Christian, God desires that He be centerstage. No. God is not selfish and off on some ego trip. He lovingly cares for all of His children. He knows what is best for them and that goes back to commandment #1 in old and new testament form--To love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Nothing or no one above Him. Him first. He desires nothing more than His children to be devoted to and focused on Him. I will confess it. He alone is worthy of that devotion and focus. Life is more centered, happy, and balanced when He and He alone has centerstage in our heart and life. Great sadness and even destruction can come when a child of God loses this priority and focus. Peter is a good example. He was walking on the water as long as Jesus was his focus. When he took his eyes off Christ, he sank.
The last month has greatly had its ups and downs as focus on my job has been at times a winning temptation in knocking God off the centerstage of my heart. Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you that I am a perfectionist and workaholic. Many verses come to mind here such as Col. 3:23, Col. 3:17, Ecc. 9:10 which state the importance of giving each and every task its very best in honor of our Maker. There is nothing wrong with doing a great job and working hard. These are Bible principles. God wants His children to be the leaders in work ethic. Work should fulfill the purpose that God has for His children without becoming a bigger priority than the One who equipped His child for the work.
While I may not be the best teacher in the world, I do believe teaching to be my spiritual gift given to me from the Lord. I take great joy and pride in the calling as both a school teacher and church teacher. Teaching is a career of guidance, love, and selfless service. There is no greater joy than seeing the fruit of growth in those you teach and lead. It is God who gives the increase. Though at times a teacher plants the seeds and trusts in faith the increase because it is not always seen or visible-especially with the middle school age that I work with at school. They are a work in progress as much as I am in my Christian walk.
A month ago today my students took a state test for Virginia for mathematics. It was brand new in format. All teachers across the state were not ready for this change. I know that my worth and that of my students cannot be measured in one test alone. However, when my results came back I entered a level of sadness that I have not felt in a long time. Not to mention fear of what the future holds for my teaching job. I am not alone. Greater prophets and children of God have faced the same feelings--Job, David, Jeremiah, Elijah. It is not a fun place. We all want results for the work that we have labored. We want them visible. We often attach our worth to such performance based notions. NOT SO WITH OUR GOD! HE LOVES REGARDLESS OF PERFORMANCE!
While I tried to keep my focus on Christ and the foundation on the Rock, I constantly battled. I even let the Bible reading in my devotional time slip to a place that it has not been in two years by skipping 3 consecutive days of study. The only thing that I knew to do was to PRAY! And pray I did. God and God alone was the only One who knew the deepest cries of despair of my heart. He heard and understood every emotion and thought whether right or wrong. It was a battle. I determined that I had to keep praying and also STUDYING again. There were times when all my heart could think about was the emotions of what I was feeling. But I could not give up. There still were mountain tops and valleys in this process. Not all was perfect as this perfectionist would like.
My in and out lack of complete focus on God rather than the battle did not make the best ending of the school year. There were times where selfishly all I could think about was ME, ME, AND MORE ME instead of my school, team, friends, and students that I am also called to serve with a Christ-like spirit. What I wouldn't give to get that time back. They are only my students for a few entrusted months. What I wouldn't give to proclaim in witness to my co-workers a faith in God through the circumstances that I actively profess to have instead of seeing me after work in tears that represented lack of faith in an amazing God.
However, what I can give praise to God about (other than forgiveness in my human failure in all this) is that through it all, He has turned my tears into a NEW SONG of faith and love for Him. He is in control. I even sang before my church "God is in Control" as a solo to declare my hope and confidence in Him. He is in charge of my life and every circumstance is given for my good. I have a new happiness in returning to work in a few months and I am in prayer over the new group of students that will enter into room 134. I left my room a week ago today in prayer for my classes next year before shutting the door. Whatever happens next school year, my God and I will handle it together.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
The Beauty and Freedom of Sharing our Journey
Every journey must start somewhere and ultimately every traveler on a journey has a set destination or goal in mind as they begin their travel. Not all journeys are smooth. Not all journeys go as planned. There are often many stops, twists, and turns along the way. In the end, those journeys make for some really good stories to tell, share, and to think of fondly.
I say all of these things in order to say that the life of Christian is no different. The journey of the Christian life begins when the Christian makes a decision to accept Christ as their One and Only means of salvation and Forgiver of their sin. The final destination is, thanks to Him, eternal life in heaven. However, in the years of time in between, is the journey of a lifetime. It is in those years of time that God, the Potter, molds and shapes the lives of His children from who they were into the image of who He has designed for them to be. The journey is not always smooth. However, the hand of God is at work.
I have started to write this blog as a means to share my journey with the Lord as I continue to follow Him on the journey of a lifetime--the journey of being a Woman After God's Own Heart. No. I am not a perfect follower of God. My journey has had many twists, turns, bumps, bruises, wrong ways, U-turns, and any other reference that would fit here. However, that is the beauty of the journey. The perfect Lord has been with me every step of the way and will continue to be until I reach my final heavenly home. He has used the circumstances of life to mold me and create me into a better image of Himself. Praise God that He is not finished with me yet and has not given up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
Now to get to the reason behind the title of this blog. Here it goes...The last three school years (as I am a teacher), have served the greatest purpose in my 24/25 year Christian life. I do not have the time or space to tell it all. However, three school years ago, I let the circumstances of life draw me daily away from the Lord step by step, slowly. Yes I was still in church. Yes I was still serving. Yes I was still trying to follow the Lord. However, over time I began to get bitter about circumstances and even towards a wonderful God. How could He let these things that were happening happen? Did He even care? I know, silly questions. I felt that He owed me something for all my years of hard work and service. How could He let me down? These sinful questions, attitudes, and thoughts killed my heart and love for my God slowly. I stopped having a devotional time. I started to make little compromises in His commands. My sin no longer touched my heart as it should. My heart started to turn majorly in the wrong direction. Let me say right now--IT WAS NOT GOD. HE DID NOT GO ANYWHERE. I DID.
Praise God, that He loved me His child enough to not let me stay there. He tugged at the strings of my heart two school years ago by allowing me to hear the thoughts of my heart in church one day. I came to realize how far away I was from where I wanted to be with my relationship with God. In fact, I honestly knew it all along. I hid it with a smile. I said the right things trying to hide who I had become. I was a prisoner in my own heart.
Freedom came at last when first I spoke with God for hours in complete honesty of all my feelings and actions. It did not all happen overnight. Freedom also came when I was able to be honest with others in where I had been. At first, I only opened up to two special people in my life--fellow believers who also took my case up to the throne room of God on my behalf. God, my fellow believers, and I together. My journey become a journey of love for God and excitement again. I saw how He was directing my steps and lighting my path back to Him. It was not easy. It took steps of repentance, confession, and hard work. But it was worth it! I couldn't help but begin to share my story and testimony of what the Lord has done and is doing to anyone who would listen. He was/is a Deliverer in so many ways. He set my feet upon His Rock. Not only that, but He has used my experience to help others. No. I am still not perfect. Every day and moment is a decision of Who I will follow and serve. However, God has placed me back together much stronger and better than I began. He has made something beautiful out of my mess. Only God can do that!
I solely believe that God intends for us not to hide the struggles of the Christian life. James 5:16, Galatians 6:2 He intends for us to share both the good and bad of our lives, the strengths and weaknesses. There is freedom in breaking down the walls and just being real with one another. Not in order to judge one another (for we are all guilty of the same things--if not in action--in heart and motive), but to pray for one another in the Christian battle. Then, to celebrate the victory and praise that belong to our God. No person can or should replace God in our lives, but we are the body of Christ to help and support one another. I am thankful for those who have done this for me.
I look forward to blogging my continual journey!
I say all of these things in order to say that the life of Christian is no different. The journey of the Christian life begins when the Christian makes a decision to accept Christ as their One and Only means of salvation and Forgiver of their sin. The final destination is, thanks to Him, eternal life in heaven. However, in the years of time in between, is the journey of a lifetime. It is in those years of time that God, the Potter, molds and shapes the lives of His children from who they were into the image of who He has designed for them to be. The journey is not always smooth. However, the hand of God is at work.
I have started to write this blog as a means to share my journey with the Lord as I continue to follow Him on the journey of a lifetime--the journey of being a Woman After God's Own Heart. No. I am not a perfect follower of God. My journey has had many twists, turns, bumps, bruises, wrong ways, U-turns, and any other reference that would fit here. However, that is the beauty of the journey. The perfect Lord has been with me every step of the way and will continue to be until I reach my final heavenly home. He has used the circumstances of life to mold me and create me into a better image of Himself. Praise God that He is not finished with me yet and has not given up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
Now to get to the reason behind the title of this blog. Here it goes...The last three school years (as I am a teacher), have served the greatest purpose in my 24/25 year Christian life. I do not have the time or space to tell it all. However, three school years ago, I let the circumstances of life draw me daily away from the Lord step by step, slowly. Yes I was still in church. Yes I was still serving. Yes I was still trying to follow the Lord. However, over time I began to get bitter about circumstances and even towards a wonderful God. How could He let these things that were happening happen? Did He even care? I know, silly questions. I felt that He owed me something for all my years of hard work and service. How could He let me down? These sinful questions, attitudes, and thoughts killed my heart and love for my God slowly. I stopped having a devotional time. I started to make little compromises in His commands. My sin no longer touched my heart as it should. My heart started to turn majorly in the wrong direction. Let me say right now--IT WAS NOT GOD. HE DID NOT GO ANYWHERE. I DID.
Praise God, that He loved me His child enough to not let me stay there. He tugged at the strings of my heart two school years ago by allowing me to hear the thoughts of my heart in church one day. I came to realize how far away I was from where I wanted to be with my relationship with God. In fact, I honestly knew it all along. I hid it with a smile. I said the right things trying to hide who I had become. I was a prisoner in my own heart.
Freedom came at last when first I spoke with God for hours in complete honesty of all my feelings and actions. It did not all happen overnight. Freedom also came when I was able to be honest with others in where I had been. At first, I only opened up to two special people in my life--fellow believers who also took my case up to the throne room of God on my behalf. God, my fellow believers, and I together. My journey become a journey of love for God and excitement again. I saw how He was directing my steps and lighting my path back to Him. It was not easy. It took steps of repentance, confession, and hard work. But it was worth it! I couldn't help but begin to share my story and testimony of what the Lord has done and is doing to anyone who would listen. He was/is a Deliverer in so many ways. He set my feet upon His Rock. Not only that, but He has used my experience to help others. No. I am still not perfect. Every day and moment is a decision of Who I will follow and serve. However, God has placed me back together much stronger and better than I began. He has made something beautiful out of my mess. Only God can do that!
I solely believe that God intends for us not to hide the struggles of the Christian life. James 5:16, Galatians 6:2 He intends for us to share both the good and bad of our lives, the strengths and weaknesses. There is freedom in breaking down the walls and just being real with one another. Not in order to judge one another (for we are all guilty of the same things--if not in action--in heart and motive), but to pray for one another in the Christian battle. Then, to celebrate the victory and praise that belong to our God. No person can or should replace God in our lives, but we are the body of Christ to help and support one another. I am thankful for those who have done this for me.
I look forward to blogging my continual journey!
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