Today is a day that I have waited and anticipated for in patience for 3 years! I am super excited and determined today that nothing and no one is going to take away my joy. Today is an important day in my life, heart, and Christian journey. Today is a day filled with special GRACE and a SECOND CHANCE in the midst of one of my greatest and sinful mistakes. :-)
Part of me is nervous to be so open and public about the events that have led up to today. I really can't believe that I am sharing this with the world. Once I post this, there may be people who in judgment will look upon me differently that I meet and run into on a regular basis. However, my heart is just so overjoyed that I feel the need to share. I stand by my very first blog post. There is joy and freedom in sharing our hearts and lives--the good, the bad, and the ugly, openly. This is a part of the journey of my life as a Christian that cries aloud to be shared. There is much for me to praise my wonderful God for today in the midst of my sin. There is much to be thankful for in the grace of fellow Christians who extended the wonderful grace of God down toward me. Grace is so undeserved. That is what makes it grace.
THE BACKGROUND
The 2009-2010 school year was a difficult one for me. After 5 years of teaching at the same school, I moved positions into a new school in a different state. I was excited for the change. However, the change was a difficult one for me. I couldn't seem to get the hang of things the way this perfectionist would like. I struggled to fit and belong in my school with 1) my students inside my classroom and 2) in the school environment as a professional adult. I allowed myself to get bitter and angry at my circumstances. My lack of contentment and bitterness toward God and others in my circumstances led to depression. This is when my heart started slowly to take a turn in the wrong direction away from God. Even though I was in church and serving, my personal relationship with God and devotional time in prayer and Bible study halted. The heart and mind of a Christian must be nourished daily in the Word and prayer to cultivate good things and grow. I made an unwise decision to take myself away from what is best. The end result was that my life in that time began to make compromises in obedience to God. Small compromises unchecked led to even bigger compromises until God used attention to my own thoughts while in church one day to call my heart back to how far I had wandered away. Christ led me to the decision to get back on the right path and in turn it has led to the closest relationship with God that I have ever known and experienced. He has made me better and stronger for the journey. However, there are parts of my life that I am not so proud of that occured in those moments of slowly walking away from Him. One of those not so proud moments is where this blogpost needs to focus for a moment.
THE STORY REALLY BEGINS HERE!
In the Spring of 2010, I was a 2nd year student enrolled in a wonderful Bible College program called Faith Bible Institute. Faith Bible Institute is a 3 year program broken into 6 semesters. I attended the class by going to my church and watching the instructor's lessons once a week via DVD along with other students. In addition to the weekly Bible College instruction, the class consists of Bible reading homework and tests on the content which are part of the grade for the semester. At the end of the 3 year program, a student in the program who has met those requirements graduates with a Bible College Diploma.
That Spring 2010 semester I attended all the classes and passed all the tests. However, I only completed 4 weeks worth of the 17 weeks of required homework by the end of the semester. The homework is calculated into the grade by the student checking off what they have done. Honor system. I had an important decision to make to 1) accurately report that I only finished 4 weeks of homework or 2) to be dishonest in my reporting. Unfortunately the three times that I was required to check in with my homework accounting, I was dishonest. :-( I cheated by claiming that I did something (my homework) that I didn't do in order to receive the credit that I needed for the grade that I wanted--A. Did I know it was wrong? Of course I did. However, I chose to rationalize my behavior. I told myself that I would read it in the summer when things in my life calmed down. I told myself it was no big deal as I passed all the tests honestly and attended all the classes. Lies and rationalizations that were no match for the truth of what my behavior really was--sin. My grade report came in the mail with all A's and I unfortunately thought nothing more about it.
Fall 2010 semester came for Faith Bible Institute. I was ready to go. God was already working on my heart in those summer months about coming back fully to Him. I was making the move back fully to Him. My devotional life was back on track. Much sin was confesssed and repented of. I had even already talked to God about my sin of dishonesty with Faith Bible and asked His forgiveness. I was following Him back step by step in sincere obedience as best as I knew how. Things were looking good and looking up. I was back to my old teaching job as well. As I listened to the instructor teach a few weeks into class, God made it very clear one night that things were not 100% good. While I had taken care of my sin with God, I lacked one important step. I needed to come forward and make things right with Faith Bible Institute. All night I struggled to listen to the teaching because God was giving me a choice. 1) Confess and apologize to Faith Bible to make things right with them or 2) Ignore what God was asking me to do.
As hard as it was, I stayed up until around 11 PM that night at home, writing an email to Faith Bible telling all--How I chose in a hard time in my life to lie to get credit for something that I didn't do. With the honesty in what I had done, I also gave them my most humble apology, asking for a way in which we could make things as right as possible considering I had been given credit that was not mine to have as I didn't earn it. I didn't know how they would respond. It was such a scary experience. The next day they sent me word that they had received my message and needed time to meet and prayerfully consider what steps needed to be taken based on my actions. I also spent time praying for them in having to make a decision. My sin affected them and placed them in a tough position. After 3 long months of waiting (and I find it interesting that that was the exact period of time I had waiting from the date of my sin to confession to Faith Bible), they gave me their decision.
They determined that if I had been honest, then I would have received a B that semester since homework is only 1/3 of the grade. However, since I was dishonest, they lowered my grade to a D. This grade was a better than deserved natural consequence for my sin. It meant that I would be allowed to graduate the three year program that June on schedule. All the other 5 semesters were taken honestly. Along with that, I was extended the invitation (though not required) to retake the semester again in 3 years when it came back around. As long as it would be retaken--attendance, tests, and homework--in honesty, my transcript grade of a D could be changed to a higher grade. What a wonderful and gracious decision that was handed down to me. It was one that held me responsibile for my sin as actions always have consequences. However, it also showed me love, grace, and forgiveness in the midst of a great mistake that I am not proud of in my life.
So what is today? Today is the first day of that semester again in Faith Bible Institute. It has been a long 3 year wait. However, today I get to start again. I am looking forward to doing it HONESTLY this time. I am thankful to God and Faith Bible Institute for this day and for GRACE. And...I never have regretted one moment of coming forward with the truth of my actions. The truth does indeed set one free.
