My devotional time has been spent the last few days on such an incredible man of God, Elijah. He was brought on to the scene by God during a time at which wicked King Ahab and his wife, Jezebel, had done much to lead the people of God away from Him and into the worship of false gods, mainly Baal. Elijah delivers the message that there would be no rain until he is given the word from God. Elijah has to flee for his life after delivering the message to be fed by God by the ravens. Elijah was then fed by a widow woman who gives Elijah the last oil and flour made meal that she had for her and her son. In providing for the man of God first, the widow who was down to nothing sees God provide her needs as her flour and oil never go dry. Elijah in strength and courage stands against King Ahab and the false prophets of Baal and for the Lord as he prays openly for God to call down fire from heaven upon a soaked altar. God who alone controls the rain and the fire sets Elijah's altar ablaze so that the people of God return to Him. The prophets of Baal do not get an answer from Baal for all their efforts of yelling, pleading, and cutting themselves. The false prophets of Baal are slain. Elijah prays persistently in belief for rain as God had said. He prays silently with faith and anticipation. Jezebel hearing of the prophets of Baal's deaths threatens Elijah with the same.
Elijah has done much for the name and sake of the Lord and has been greatly used by Him. However, he is exhausted in more ways than one. What does he do? He flees to a juniper tree. He feels falsely as if he is the only faithful servant of the Lord left. He even tells God that he wishes to just plain die. Sounds odd for the man of God who stood so bravely and with such courage. However, I am so very glad that this truthful account is included in Scripture. In fact the Scriptures are full of people who were ordinary and sinful, but God loved and used greatly despite themselves. Peter and King David always come to my mind first. Peter was greatly used of God after he was reinstated after his denial of knowing Christ. Though King David sinned greatly, God told every other King that they and the people of God would be blessed if they would rule with the heart and leadership of King David.
This morning I knew that the Elijah complex of his depression after doing such great things for God was coming. It took everything that I had to read it, for this gal in the last few days at times has most certainly been there in 3 days of being home from an international missions trip to Hungary. However, also part of me was so relieved to read his account to know that I am and have not been alone.
After spending 16 days traveling to, serving as an English instructor at camp in, and traveling from Hungary, I have many exciting and praiseworthy stories of God, His work, His provision, and His people. It was such a time of growth personally, spiritually, and in ministry. I was blessed after a 3 year wait in God's timing for many important reasons to be given the opportunity to go and serve this summer so that campers may hear the gospel and have a chance to turn to Him in eternal saving grace. That is exciting. I left with a big piece of my heart still there as a country that already meant much to my heart grew an even bigger place of my heart. It is amazing how God works. I hope someday to be given a chance to return and when asked if I would make the trip again, the answer is an astounding YES. When asked if I am glad to be back home the truthful answer is both yes and no.
Where is the Elijah complex? Maybe not quite the same way as Elijah, but my Elijah complex came in the middle of my time of serving in Hungary. Of all the wonderful times and stories, my heart also is stuck on a not so great day and a half in my Elijah complex that has honestly left me with feelings sadness in my failure and many coulda, woulda, shoulda thoughts. Feels very weird to share as I know that it opens myself up to human judgment, but at the same time I do stand by the fact that there is beauty in being honest and transparent for I know that somehow just like Elijah of old, that I most certainly cannot be alone. So here goes nothing or possibly something...
My first week at camp went very smoothly. From the moment of landing and after getting over some feelings of culture shock, I truly felt at home. Everyone was kind, welcoming, and helpful. It took some getting used to teaching English within a camp atmosphere within a language barrier, but after a few classes prayers were answered to get accustomed to the task at hand. My campers in my group were great. My teaching partner was great and we worked well together. There was unity in all the English department. I loved sharing Biblical findings from my camp quiet time and praying for the camp, camp staff, and campers. Children from my group gave smiles and hugs and excitement. 5 of my 9 campers came to Christ during invitation night. One of them went forward to give testimony on testimony night and I heard her Hungarian speaking heart translated in full English for the first time. WOW! Before leaving on Saturday morning she came with a translator to speak to me after the final camp breakfast to thank me for teaching English and how my time in class with her changed her heart. WOW! What a powerful week one. To God be the glory.
Where is the Elijah complex? Week two is coming. After a busy day of incredible sightseeing with an awesome missionary in Hungary and 2 fellow English instructors on Saturday, campers for week 2 were coming in on Sunday. I awoke Sunday morning to prayer and nervousness. I knew that the transition from week one to week two would be a big thing. I prayed for unity for us as workers. I prayed that I would fit and belong with the new crew coming in to work. I prayed for the partner that I would paired with, even if I did not know who they were yet. I opened my door to walk to church service and they were all right outside my door. I introduced myself and walked with them to church. I tried my best to make them feel welcome and help them with the translation headsets. I left with a smile and reassurance that this week was going to be just as great.
After testing our kids for English placement the program director explained to me that she needed to change my level placement from an upper beginner group that I taught the week before to an absolute beginner group. I agreed to the change for I was told for a year that flexibility in this ministry was the key. I was nervous in the change, but excited that I would get to meet my new campers the following day. I had planning time with my partner teacher and it went great. Lesson plans for the following day were completed quickly and I was excited to teach them. At the end of the day, another teacher was added to our group and we were glad to have her. I prayed that we would have an awesome first class, awesome week, and for His leadership as I went to bed Sunday night. I also messaged two wonderful ladies back home to be in prayer that God would help us teach our group and help me to be flexible and welcoming with my new teaching team.
Monday came the three of us worked well together. Our group had much younger children, but they were lovely and seemed to have fun. I couldn't wait until Monday night when we taught the second lesson. Between Monday morning and Monday afternoon, I hit the beginning of my Elijah complex. I was approached by two people within hours with claims of being unfair and leaving one of my team mates out, but not by the team mate herself. I did not say much except "I was trying", but after the second accusation, withdrew myself to the meeting room for about an hour to pray while in tears. I prayed that I would see His truth. I prayed to seek if this was true. I felt attacked especially since the prayer of my heart and my actions I felt were not in accordance to what was being said. God knew my heart. God knew my actions. God knew what I had been trying to do. I just wanted to do a good job and I felt attacked and publicly in a room before our other teachers. After praying and drying my tears I opened to our camp quiet time passage which was Philippians chapter 2 to have my heart reminded of how selfish my focus was becoming. I was hurt and in some ways thinking more on me, less on others, less on God, and less on the mission that I was sent to camp for--reaching the campers for Christ. I then prayed for God to forgive me and help me to get my focus on track. I held my feeling in until later that night when I spoke of them to a friend. While I should not have spoken to her, she did take time to pray with me and for me and provide some needed guidance and perspective.
I awoke Tuesday morning with God centered and others centered focus. In prayer I was ready to go in the strength of Christ to teach our English class. As I entered the room to get things ready, I was approached by my director with relating the same claims. That made 3 people in less than 24 hours. My emotions had all they could take for now I truly felt that all were against me and like Elijah I felt alone. I am such an emotional person as well as a people pleaser. These things can be good or they can be used negatively for my downfall as Christian young lady. I still felt these things to be untrue and I had taken a solid look unto them. I felt I was trying with all my strength and His. As my emotions came out they came out in a way that showed confusion while being truthful, desperate, and in some ways lacked self control. These emotional words included phrases such as "I can't do this anymore" and "I just want to go home." I was not truly homesick. I loved it there. I just felt stuck and did not know what to do to help or change things. I felt attacked and just wanted to be left alone. I wanted others to know my heart. I just wanted to do a good job. Again, while I am only human, the center of all these statements is selfishly "I". I had to teach class and class went so well, but after class we spoke more and prayed which helped. However, my human heart was so confused. I was so hurt. While I went forward to act in Christian love outwardly with his help to those around me, I was struggling with being forgiving in my heart. Class Tuesday afternoon went great as well, but I was still struggling in my heart. Invitation night was Tuesday night and I even lacked complete joy in seeing campers come to Christ because I was focused on my dilemma and feelings. I walked that night around camp praying to God again my feelings as He knew them perfectly anyway about "not being able to do this anymore" "everyone being against me" "just wanting to leave" and "questioning why I was here at camp a second week". If I had just left after one week, then I would have left Hungary happy and excited, but now this. I just was afraid that the rest of the week would go the way the last 24 hours had gone.
I did ask for help and wisdom. It lead me to finally do the one thing that was missing from all of us in this situation which is the Christian principle of speaking directly to each other and not about each other. I was hurt because one person did not come directly to me, but to others who came to me. However, I was just as guilty for not doing the same in return. Finally after going to her, I found out that she was happy and things were okay. Oh, the heartache that I could've saved if I would have done this earlier. I did hold it all in between God and I for some time as I did not want to be guilty of this, but then gave in for my own human comfort. After speaking with her, I did message two of my friends back home to be in prayer that unity could be restored for the cause of Christ and for my heart to come back to Christian love and God focus.
In the end, the power of God in all of us was greater than anything the enemy threw our way. The enemy wants nothing more than to kill the cause of Christ. However, he did not win. The week ended wonderfully and I left Hungary with happiness, excitement, as well as God focus restored and forgiveness from God for my failure for the asking.
However, from my second 8 hour plane ride home to the present, I really have been struggling. Maybe not so much with the Elijah complex, but more from reflection of Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda. Again this is a dangerous road to travel as the enemy wants nothing more but to attack me here. I feel that Satan attacked us all, by attacking my greatest weakness out of all of us there. I did not go to serve the enemy, but to serve the staff, the campers, and ultimately God. I failed Him in my selfishness, losing the focus, and by fearing the people. I failed Him in my attitudes that came from a hurt heart. More than anything, I displeased His heart in stating words that I can't take back in wanting to quit when things got a little rocky. Even though I have seriously confessed my human failure and all the attitudes that were present in my failure as well as my sinful words wanting to quit, I feel so completely down in my human failure. I feel as if in one day and a half I ruined everything that I was supposed to do in honoring Him. I feel as though I not only failed Him but the campers, staff, and those who have prayed for and supported me. I am truly forgiven by a great and wonderful God from the moment I confessed. I am praying for His strength to forget what is behind and press on to the things that are before. God can use anything and everything, even our failure for His ultimate glory when placed in His mighty hands. It is not about me for without Him I can do nothing. Instead it is about His work in me and He is not finished with me yet. He came that I might have life and have it abundantly. Lord, have Your way in me and help me to the other side of this. I truly do love You (x3).
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