I cannot believe that today is the last day of my summer break. This teacher is still very tired. This teacher could use at least another two weeks or so to relax and get some things accomplished. However, this teacher is excited and eager to go "back to school." It is teaching and leading children that fulfills the purpose that God has created me to do. I have missed that purpose in the last two months and look forward with nervousness and joy to get that purpose going again.
As a Christian, I am a student under the teaching of the Master teacher. His textbook which is approved by Him and written by Him is the Bible, His Holy Word. It will never expire in 7 years and have to go to a new textbook adoption committee like school textbooks do. It will stand forever (Isaiah 40:8). His Word is quick, powerful, sharper than any twoedged sword, is a divider of soul and spirit, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12). God has used His Word greatly over the course of the last month to take me "back to school." He has used His Word to reveal what would seem at first to be small, but yet upon closer inspection big flaws in not only my actions but character as a Christian woman. The perfect Light of the character of Christ, has shown through the darkness of my sinful heart, exposing two major areas of my life that are in need of molding and repair by God, the Master Potter (Isaiah 64:8). I will reveal and uncover both of these areas one blog post at a time as I believe it will be difficult to put them together in one post. Therefore this is Part 1. Part 2 will come in time.
If someone were to ask you to list the top 5 qualities/characteristics that should be evident in the life of a Christian woman, what would your list include? Take the time and create this list for yourself.
I know that inquiring minds would want to know my list. Here it is:
1) Kind/Gentle
2) Generous
3) Compassionate
4) Forgiving
5) Honest/trustworthy
So how did my list compare to yours? Somehow I believe that at least a few words were similar. In this post I wish to speak of my number 5--Honesty or Trustworthiness. I want to be a person who is honest. God is Truth. His Word is Truth. God delights in Truth. Therefore, I want to be a person that people can trust to speak the truth.
I would like to think of myself as a fairly honest person. As a child, I would run to my parents and teachers with the truth, even when I was not caught in my misdeeds. More than once I have turned in lost wallets/purses. More than once I have returned money when too much change was handed back to me and even given to me in paychecks. I have been tempted by bosses in the retail world and teaching world to represent information dishonestly and have refused--even if it meant my job. I have received awards specifically for the characteristic of being honest. All of these things are wonderful and show the working and strength of God upon my life in helping me to show forth honest things. Praise God! I have set out writing this blog as a means of being open and honest about the journey of my heart in the Christian life. I have been very honest about things that are hard to admit. But truly, how honest am I? The last month has shown me that I am not as honest as I would like or more importantly that God would like.
I took a challenge in my devotional study to listen and examine my communication. OUCH! It was here that I found and undercovered much lying and deceit. It was not in "big" things. It was in things that humanly speaking were "small." Let me clarify. I view sin as sin. I am not under the notion that there are big sins and little sins. All sin is sin, missing the mark of God's perfection, disobeying Him, and displeases Him. When I say that I lied about "small" things I mean that they are things in which telling the truth would be nothing huge. Here are examples of my life in which I found that may help one to understand. Warning: If you read these examples and find that you are the friend, please forgive me for my dishonesty. I assure you that God in His loving discipline is dealing with me and working to help me correct my sin in this area.
1) A friend asked me how things were going in casual conversation. Even though I was having a hard time and things were not going so well, I found it acceptable to say that I was doing great. I did not have give them a whole book or every detail. However, I could've said that I was going through some difficulties in which God would get me through and that I would appreciate their prayers. Dishonest vs. Honest
2) A teacher friend and I were talking about lesson planning for the upcoming year. As we were talking I got to thinking of a great idea for a lesson for mathematics. In speaking with the friend, I spoke of my idea as having already used the plan in my classroom. I should've said something along the lines of getting a new idea that I was going to plan to use in classroom this coming year. Dishonest vs. Honest
3) I am a person who is such a perfectionist that when it comes to big projects (planning, lessons, deadlines, grading, assignments, items that I am in charge of for a group). I spend much time planning in my head, but wait for the last minute to get it down on paper or to get it started. This summer I have shown much progress in working at things well in advance. :-) However, at times I need the pressure of a deadline to make it happen. I am at times very ashamed of this even though I take things seriously, spend much time on them, and they get done well. In my pride I will tell people that I already have things done that I do not have done--even though I still have time to finish it. Instead I should tell people that I have it thought through and need to get a little more motivated and confident in the plan of mind to put it to action. Dishonest vs. honest
4) I am not the best cook in the world. I am more of a baker. I am getting better at cooking now because of my special diet that is different and needs variety in order to keep to it. I am enjoying learning to cook for my diet. In my past because I could not cook, I have claimed to have made something that I did not. Truth is that I did make it in some form, but it was really store bought at best or from a box. Though most of the time I am honest in this area, I caught myself on this awhile back. Dishonest vs. Honest
I think that I could come up with many more examples. When God and I looked at this seriously it was like finding a flea. You never find just one. Where there is one, there are many more. God gave me examples going back for a year or more. These things are not the big things in life. Would someone who is truly my friend love me any less for having a difficult time, coming up with a new lesson plan idea to try and share for our benefit, not having started something officially yet as long as it was done well, or for using store bought resources well to provide food for myself or others? I would hope not. So why would I feel the need to lie and at times not even realize the lie that came out at that moment until days or hours later? The only answer that I have is that of sinful pride.
I want to be a good Christian friend. I want to provide for honest things before God and men (2 Cor. 8:21) not only in the big stuff, but in the little details as well. God has shown me the little seeds of dishonesty that I have sown into relationships that are important to me. It has been an overwhelming flood of sadness over these seeds of sin. I want to be 100% trustworthy. I hope that those reading this can still love and trust me. God has broken me here and is working to put me back together anew. In the last few weeks I have seen due to Him much growth and victory in this sin area as I have given this to my Potter.
"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it." Jeremiah 18:4
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Spiritual Battle Behind the Battle of the Bulge
I write this section of my blog with much fear, yes I said it fear. Why? Of all things to speak about among any audience, let alone women, weight is a very touchy subject. Every man learns quickly not to ask a lady her weight. Every lady knows that you only speak of your weight with a person you know, love, and trust--and even then it is difficult.
For those of you reading, I am no stranger to the issue of weight. When I speak of the issue of weight, I am not just talking about that 10 to 20 pounds that every person seems to want to lose. The only picture of me being a "normal" size is that of when I was 4 years old in a beautiful sailor dress getting my picture taken at Sears. My whole childhood I grew up overweight. In the past 15 years my weight has been as low as 240 pounds and as high as 360 pounds. I say this to try to bring reassurance, creditability, and a caring heart in the nature of this topic of which I am writing.
I have recently lost 42.5 pounds (from 325 pounds to 282.5 pounds since May 19th) which has been a major victory and celebration for me. I do give the praise and the glory to the Lord in this physical battle, for reasons you will discover as you read. Many who have seen me and the change in a little less than 3 months have asked what I have been doing. My normal answer goes to that of a lifestyle change in eating habits to a more all natural, gluten free, soy free, and diary free diet whenever possible. However, there is a big part of the story that I often forget to mention. After speaking with a friend this week about some of the things that I often leave out, I feel the need to state the whole story. It is one that honors a God who is the ultimate Healer and Deliverer of whatever holds our hearts and lives captive.
In my previous blogs I have spoken about my turn back to the Lord from a lukewarm heart at best to one who is trying with His help to live daily in passion and continued spiritual growth in Him. In doing so, God has done much to heal areas of sin in my life, hurt in my life, and regrets of my life. He has used the good and bad of my life and actions to my good to make me more like His Son and to have opportunities unheard of to serve Him and others. However, if there is one thing that I have learned in my spiritual transformation, it is that God will not enter a place where we have not invited Him to go. He will use His Spirit to nudge and convict. Then when we are willing to cry out that we need His guidance, His strength, and His forgiveness, He enters into that area of our lives and starts to make changes. He loves it when we realize our weakness and need against His infinite, omnipotent supply. This is where my spiritual transformation began to take wings and fly. This is also where my physical transformation in weight began to do the same.
Around March of this past school year the physical struggles of my body were very evident as I could no longer go up and down my three story school building to get my students where they needed to go. My feet and knees were three times swollen as to where they are now. I was tired and had no energy to make it through the smallest of schedule days without crashing. I felt miserable. I did something that I had never done before for my physical state (except for minor sickness) which is call out to help from the Lord who I knew could do all things. I asked Him to enter this struggle with me and all the feelings of hurt that I had endured from others in being teased and cast aside for my outward appearance. If He could heal the spiritual part of me, could He not also heal the emotional and physical? Little did I realize the journey ahead.
People have always in help tried to tell me not to worry about my weight because it was the inside that counted. I love their thoughts and the truth that is behind them. Just look at what God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7 and what Peter told the ladies of the church in 1 Peter 3:3-4. The true beauty of a woman comes not from outward adorning, but from the inside character of the heart, flowing outward for all to see Christ in her. I want to be beautiful inwardly from the inside out. I want to show Christ to others from the inside out. That is the greatest desire of my heart. But...How can I be a minister to Him if my health is slowly keeping me from being able at a fairly young age?
Slowly God showed me something unheard of for me. I had to agree to one of the hardest sins that I had never in 32 years of life ever admitted to--that much of eating for me was not a way to stay nourished, but a way to fulfil and satisfy the lusts of the flesh. That eating was much a form of idol worship of my heart and life. That by running to food for comfort in times of emotion and stress instead of or alongside of Him was not a way to honor and glorify Him, but quite the contrary. Believe me that was a hard place for me to come to. However, God knew that if I ever was going to make progress that this step had to be one that needed to be taken. God had to work from the inside of me outward. So yes! Much of the battle of the bulge was a spiritual battle as well for me.
Once I was able to admit my sin in this area of my life, God knew I was ready for some answers of how to get started. My body as a Christian is His temple (1 Corinthians 3:16, 17 and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It is important what I feed it, what goes in it, and how I treat it. God then lead me to the information and program that I am working with now. It is one that is healthier and I believe that it is one that follows Biblical principals. Why did He not give me this information earlier? Personally, I was not ready. My heart needed work.
I know that I have a long way to go. I know personally that I could probably exercise more. I may not lose any more weight. I know I will never be a size 2. My desire is just to be healthy and treat His temple well. My desire is for food not to come before Him. I have a new perspective for who I am and what it means to put Him first. I say this not to get others to change or to say that what I am doing as a plan is right and the best. I just praise Him for working through my heart and providing answers as well a will power for me to be better spiritually and phyiscally in this area. It all started with the concept of Jeremiah 33:3. I called into Him and He answered my plea. :-)
For those of you reading, I am no stranger to the issue of weight. When I speak of the issue of weight, I am not just talking about that 10 to 20 pounds that every person seems to want to lose. The only picture of me being a "normal" size is that of when I was 4 years old in a beautiful sailor dress getting my picture taken at Sears. My whole childhood I grew up overweight. In the past 15 years my weight has been as low as 240 pounds and as high as 360 pounds. I say this to try to bring reassurance, creditability, and a caring heart in the nature of this topic of which I am writing.
I have recently lost 42.5 pounds (from 325 pounds to 282.5 pounds since May 19th) which has been a major victory and celebration for me. I do give the praise and the glory to the Lord in this physical battle, for reasons you will discover as you read. Many who have seen me and the change in a little less than 3 months have asked what I have been doing. My normal answer goes to that of a lifestyle change in eating habits to a more all natural, gluten free, soy free, and diary free diet whenever possible. However, there is a big part of the story that I often forget to mention. After speaking with a friend this week about some of the things that I often leave out, I feel the need to state the whole story. It is one that honors a God who is the ultimate Healer and Deliverer of whatever holds our hearts and lives captive.
In my previous blogs I have spoken about my turn back to the Lord from a lukewarm heart at best to one who is trying with His help to live daily in passion and continued spiritual growth in Him. In doing so, God has done much to heal areas of sin in my life, hurt in my life, and regrets of my life. He has used the good and bad of my life and actions to my good to make me more like His Son and to have opportunities unheard of to serve Him and others. However, if there is one thing that I have learned in my spiritual transformation, it is that God will not enter a place where we have not invited Him to go. He will use His Spirit to nudge and convict. Then when we are willing to cry out that we need His guidance, His strength, and His forgiveness, He enters into that area of our lives and starts to make changes. He loves it when we realize our weakness and need against His infinite, omnipotent supply. This is where my spiritual transformation began to take wings and fly. This is also where my physical transformation in weight began to do the same.
Around March of this past school year the physical struggles of my body were very evident as I could no longer go up and down my three story school building to get my students where they needed to go. My feet and knees were three times swollen as to where they are now. I was tired and had no energy to make it through the smallest of schedule days without crashing. I felt miserable. I did something that I had never done before for my physical state (except for minor sickness) which is call out to help from the Lord who I knew could do all things. I asked Him to enter this struggle with me and all the feelings of hurt that I had endured from others in being teased and cast aside for my outward appearance. If He could heal the spiritual part of me, could He not also heal the emotional and physical? Little did I realize the journey ahead.
People have always in help tried to tell me not to worry about my weight because it was the inside that counted. I love their thoughts and the truth that is behind them. Just look at what God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7 and what Peter told the ladies of the church in 1 Peter 3:3-4. The true beauty of a woman comes not from outward adorning, but from the inside character of the heart, flowing outward for all to see Christ in her. I want to be beautiful inwardly from the inside out. I want to show Christ to others from the inside out. That is the greatest desire of my heart. But...How can I be a minister to Him if my health is slowly keeping me from being able at a fairly young age?
Slowly God showed me something unheard of for me. I had to agree to one of the hardest sins that I had never in 32 years of life ever admitted to--that much of eating for me was not a way to stay nourished, but a way to fulfil and satisfy the lusts of the flesh. That eating was much a form of idol worship of my heart and life. That by running to food for comfort in times of emotion and stress instead of or alongside of Him was not a way to honor and glorify Him, but quite the contrary. Believe me that was a hard place for me to come to. However, God knew that if I ever was going to make progress that this step had to be one that needed to be taken. God had to work from the inside of me outward. So yes! Much of the battle of the bulge was a spiritual battle as well for me.
Once I was able to admit my sin in this area of my life, God knew I was ready for some answers of how to get started. My body as a Christian is His temple (1 Corinthians 3:16, 17 and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20). It is important what I feed it, what goes in it, and how I treat it. God then lead me to the information and program that I am working with now. It is one that is healthier and I believe that it is one that follows Biblical principals. Why did He not give me this information earlier? Personally, I was not ready. My heart needed work.
I know that I have a long way to go. I know personally that I could probably exercise more. I may not lose any more weight. I know I will never be a size 2. My desire is just to be healthy and treat His temple well. My desire is for food not to come before Him. I have a new perspective for who I am and what it means to put Him first. I say this not to get others to change or to say that what I am doing as a plan is right and the best. I just praise Him for working through my heart and providing answers as well a will power for me to be better spiritually and phyiscally in this area. It all started with the concept of Jeremiah 33:3. I called into Him and He answered my plea. :-)
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
When Weeds are in the Garden of our Hearts
Weeds are like posion. They grow and seek to destroy by choking the life and the beauty out of a garden. Any avid gardener would be able to speak of the importance of getting rid of weeds. A gardener who is not diligent in removing weeds will place their garden on "life support" so to speak.
Christian, we have a garden. That garden is the garden of our hearts. Be not deceived. We MUST be diligent gardeners when it comes to our hearts. God says in Proverbs 4:23 "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." While God cares about all aspects of who we are, the best indicator of our spiritual health is our hearts. God looks carefully and cares about our hearts. Our hearts are only human on this side of heaven, but He desires and deserves the best of hearts that we can offer to Him. With that said, we must not be sloppy gardeners. We must daily ask God to help us examine our hearts (Psalm 139:23-24). Anything that He then shows us that is not in accordance to the truth of His Word and His character, is a weed of sin that we must not let grow any longer. When God shows us a sin weed, we must do what any good gardener does with weeds--remove, remove, remove. How do we remove the weeds of sin? We go to the Master Gardener, God, who is faithful to complete the good work that He has started in the lives of His children (Phil. 1:6). We must confess the sin weeds openly to God and declare with His help the desire to turn from that sin in repentance. Then God who is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9) goes to work to remove our sin weeds, making our garden weed free and ripe for growth.
Over the past two years I have worked hard with the Lord to keep my heart growing. I almost daily take time to be quiet before the Lord in prayer and the reading of His Word. I believe these two things keep the soil of my heart fertile and soft for growing. I have taken great pains to guard what I watch, what I listen to, who I am around, and where I am going. This is like spreading a little Miracle Grow. I ask the Lord to daily help me review the events of the day and examine my heart so that in confession and repentance, I can allow Him and His power to be the killer of my weeds of sin.
This month many battles and attacks from Satan, in spiritual warfare brought about some weeds of sin in my heart that were displayed in my inner thoughts and attitudes. Only the Lord and I could see them and knew of their presence. Sin weeds under the names of selfishness, pride, jealousy, anger, lack of faith/trust, unpure motives were raging a war on my heart due to my self-will in circumstances that I was hit with in the spiritual battle one after another. Many of these attacks came because Satan knew the work of the Lord that I was seeking to accomplish for the good of His kingdom. Satan wanted to distract me from doing the work and knock my focus in my ministry. The problem and the panic of my heart was that these weeds of sin in my thoughts and attitudes just would not die, even though I sought the Lord in confession and repentance. Yes they would go for a short period of time. However, they would not stay dead.
I did the only thing that I knew to do. Every time they arose, I went to battle in prayer to my wonderful God. Many times I fell numb to the floor over the condition of my heart before Him. I opened up everything I was feeling and how I was sinning, begging for relief and a permanent change of heart. The battle was exhausting at times. Not to mention that I physically got ill as well in the middle of the battle front. I also called a rally of Christians to offer my name before the throne of God. There is strength in numbers. A select few knew all the details of the war, while most only knew that I was in war and needed the armor of God and strength of the Lord around me. It did not matter, God knew the details and desires to set these hinderances aside. They only needed to mention my name.
Thank God for victory and relief for the present time. My heart is in a proper place in regard to the circumstances. My sin was still that-- sin. No excuses. I am responsible. However, due to my diligence and desire to protect my heart, the prayers of others, and a wonderful God, outward actions that could've come from those inner sinful attitudes were killed before they could bring harm and spread to others.
Christian, we have a garden. That garden is the garden of our hearts. Be not deceived. We MUST be diligent gardeners when it comes to our hearts. God says in Proverbs 4:23 "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life." While God cares about all aspects of who we are, the best indicator of our spiritual health is our hearts. God looks carefully and cares about our hearts. Our hearts are only human on this side of heaven, but He desires and deserves the best of hearts that we can offer to Him. With that said, we must not be sloppy gardeners. We must daily ask God to help us examine our hearts (Psalm 139:23-24). Anything that He then shows us that is not in accordance to the truth of His Word and His character, is a weed of sin that we must not let grow any longer. When God shows us a sin weed, we must do what any good gardener does with weeds--remove, remove, remove. How do we remove the weeds of sin? We go to the Master Gardener, God, who is faithful to complete the good work that He has started in the lives of His children (Phil. 1:6). We must confess the sin weeds openly to God and declare with His help the desire to turn from that sin in repentance. Then God who is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9) goes to work to remove our sin weeds, making our garden weed free and ripe for growth.
Over the past two years I have worked hard with the Lord to keep my heart growing. I almost daily take time to be quiet before the Lord in prayer and the reading of His Word. I believe these two things keep the soil of my heart fertile and soft for growing. I have taken great pains to guard what I watch, what I listen to, who I am around, and where I am going. This is like spreading a little Miracle Grow. I ask the Lord to daily help me review the events of the day and examine my heart so that in confession and repentance, I can allow Him and His power to be the killer of my weeds of sin.
This month many battles and attacks from Satan, in spiritual warfare brought about some weeds of sin in my heart that were displayed in my inner thoughts and attitudes. Only the Lord and I could see them and knew of their presence. Sin weeds under the names of selfishness, pride, jealousy, anger, lack of faith/trust, unpure motives were raging a war on my heart due to my self-will in circumstances that I was hit with in the spiritual battle one after another. Many of these attacks came because Satan knew the work of the Lord that I was seeking to accomplish for the good of His kingdom. Satan wanted to distract me from doing the work and knock my focus in my ministry. The problem and the panic of my heart was that these weeds of sin in my thoughts and attitudes just would not die, even though I sought the Lord in confession and repentance. Yes they would go for a short period of time. However, they would not stay dead.
I did the only thing that I knew to do. Every time they arose, I went to battle in prayer to my wonderful God. Many times I fell numb to the floor over the condition of my heart before Him. I opened up everything I was feeling and how I was sinning, begging for relief and a permanent change of heart. The battle was exhausting at times. Not to mention that I physically got ill as well in the middle of the battle front. I also called a rally of Christians to offer my name before the throne of God. There is strength in numbers. A select few knew all the details of the war, while most only knew that I was in war and needed the armor of God and strength of the Lord around me. It did not matter, God knew the details and desires to set these hinderances aside. They only needed to mention my name.
Thank God for victory and relief for the present time. My heart is in a proper place in regard to the circumstances. My sin was still that-- sin. No excuses. I am responsible. However, due to my diligence and desire to protect my heart, the prayers of others, and a wonderful God, outward actions that could've come from those inner sinful attitudes were killed before they could bring harm and spread to others.
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