I cannot believe that today is the last day of my summer break. This teacher is still very tired. This teacher could use at least another two weeks or so to relax and get some things accomplished. However, this teacher is excited and eager to go "back to school." It is teaching and leading children that fulfills the purpose that God has created me to do. I have missed that purpose in the last two months and look forward with nervousness and joy to get that purpose going again.
As a Christian, I am a student under the teaching of the Master teacher. His textbook which is approved by Him and written by Him is the Bible, His Holy Word. It will never expire in 7 years and have to go to a new textbook adoption committee like school textbooks do. It will stand forever (Isaiah 40:8). His Word is quick, powerful, sharper than any twoedged sword, is a divider of soul and spirit, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12). God has used His Word greatly over the course of the last month to take me "back to school." He has used His Word to reveal what would seem at first to be small, but yet upon closer inspection big flaws in not only my actions but character as a Christian woman. The perfect Light of the character of Christ, has shown through the darkness of my sinful heart, exposing two major areas of my life that are in need of molding and repair by God, the Master Potter (Isaiah 64:8). I will reveal and uncover both of these areas one blog post at a time as I believe it will be difficult to put them together in one post. Therefore this is Part 1. Part 2 will come in time.
If someone were to ask you to list the top 5 qualities/characteristics that should be evident in the life of a Christian woman, what would your list include? Take the time and create this list for yourself.
I know that inquiring minds would want to know my list. Here it is:
1) Kind/Gentle
2) Generous
3) Compassionate
4) Forgiving
5) Honest/trustworthy
So how did my list compare to yours? Somehow I believe that at least a few words were similar. In this post I wish to speak of my number 5--Honesty or Trustworthiness. I want to be a person who is honest. God is Truth. His Word is Truth. God delights in Truth. Therefore, I want to be a person that people can trust to speak the truth.
I would like to think of myself as a fairly honest person. As a child, I would run to my parents and teachers with the truth, even when I was not caught in my misdeeds. More than once I have turned in lost wallets/purses. More than once I have returned money when too much change was handed back to me and even given to me in paychecks. I have been tempted by bosses in the retail world and teaching world to represent information dishonestly and have refused--even if it meant my job. I have received awards specifically for the characteristic of being honest. All of these things are wonderful and show the working and strength of God upon my life in helping me to show forth honest things. Praise God! I have set out writing this blog as a means of being open and honest about the journey of my heart in the Christian life. I have been very honest about things that are hard to admit. But truly, how honest am I? The last month has shown me that I am not as honest as I would like or more importantly that God would like.
I took a challenge in my devotional study to listen and examine my communication. OUCH! It was here that I found and undercovered much lying and deceit. It was not in "big" things. It was in things that humanly speaking were "small." Let me clarify. I view sin as sin. I am not under the notion that there are big sins and little sins. All sin is sin, missing the mark of God's perfection, disobeying Him, and displeases Him. When I say that I lied about "small" things I mean that they are things in which telling the truth would be nothing huge. Here are examples of my life in which I found that may help one to understand. Warning: If you read these examples and find that you are the friend, please forgive me for my dishonesty. I assure you that God in His loving discipline is dealing with me and working to help me correct my sin in this area.
1) A friend asked me how things were going in casual conversation. Even though I was having a hard time and things were not going so well, I found it acceptable to say that I was doing great. I did not have give them a whole book or every detail. However, I could've said that I was going through some difficulties in which God would get me through and that I would appreciate their prayers. Dishonest vs. Honest
2) A teacher friend and I were talking about lesson planning for the upcoming year. As we were talking I got to thinking of a great idea for a lesson for mathematics. In speaking with the friend, I spoke of my idea as having already used the plan in my classroom. I should've said something along the lines of getting a new idea that I was going to plan to use in classroom this coming year. Dishonest vs. Honest
3) I am a person who is such a perfectionist that when it comes to big projects (planning, lessons, deadlines, grading, assignments, items that I am in charge of for a group). I spend much time planning in my head, but wait for the last minute to get it down on paper or to get it started. This summer I have shown much progress in working at things well in advance. :-) However, at times I need the pressure of a deadline to make it happen. I am at times very ashamed of this even though I take things seriously, spend much time on them, and they get done well. In my pride I will tell people that I already have things done that I do not have done--even though I still have time to finish it. Instead I should tell people that I have it thought through and need to get a little more motivated and confident in the plan of mind to put it to action. Dishonest vs. honest
4) I am not the best cook in the world. I am more of a baker. I am getting better at cooking now because of my special diet that is different and needs variety in order to keep to it. I am enjoying learning to cook for my diet. In my past because I could not cook, I have claimed to have made something that I did not. Truth is that I did make it in some form, but it was really store bought at best or from a box. Though most of the time I am honest in this area, I caught myself on this awhile back. Dishonest vs. Honest
I think that I could come up with many more examples. When God and I looked at this seriously it was like finding a flea. You never find just one. Where there is one, there are many more. God gave me examples going back for a year or more. These things are not the big things in life. Would someone who is truly my friend love me any less for having a difficult time, coming up with a new lesson plan idea to try and share for our benefit, not having started something officially yet as long as it was done well, or for using store bought resources well to provide food for myself or others? I would hope not. So why would I feel the need to lie and at times not even realize the lie that came out at that moment until days or hours later? The only answer that I have is that of sinful pride.
I want to be a good Christian friend. I want to provide for honest things before God and men (2 Cor. 8:21) not only in the big stuff, but in the little details as well. God has shown me the little seeds of dishonesty that I have sown into relationships that are important to me. It has been an overwhelming flood of sadness over these seeds of sin. I want to be 100% trustworthy. I hope that those reading this can still love and trust me. God has broken me here and is working to put me back together anew. In the last few weeks I have seen due to Him much growth and victory in this sin area as I have given this to my Potter.
"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it." Jeremiah 18:4
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