As a math teacher comparison is important to me. One of the most important concepts that I strive for my students to obtain is a solid grasp on comparison. I teach finding and using unit rates to figure out which product is the better deal. My 7th graders must be able to convert numeric values to the same form so that they can compare and order those values from least to greatest. Being able to compute tax and discount in order to find the best possible bargain on the same item is another important math concept that uses comparison. These types of comparisons are good. Who wouldn't want to be a smart shopper and save money, especially with the economy of today? However, I am learning that comparison needs to stay in the math class with numbers and not in mind and heart to compare myself against others.
Over the course of my life, I have carried around insecurities about myself. The biggest insecurity of all, has been my weight. I have struggled with it since I was in kindergarten. I grew up being picked on as a child. Even now, as an adult, many people treat me differently because of it before they even get to know me on the inside. On top of that, I am shy and secluded by nature until I really feel comfortable with someone. I am more than a little awkward and corky. I am a serious minded perfectionist that has a dry sense of humor. I am OCD when it comes to organization. I am so clumsy that I can trip over my own two feet and fall up the stairs. I am super emotional, take everything to heart, and cry at the drop of a dime. I never seem to have the right thing to say, even if I have a wonderful heart and purpose in my words. I could keep going, but I think that you get the point.
Everyone has their own insecurities. I have come to find that focusing on my own insecurities is a black hole directly from Satan that does nothing more that take away my time, energy, and worst of all--MY JOY! Christ came that I might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10:10). He commands that I rejoice always and have joy in Him (Philippians 4:4). Focusing on the insecurities of who or what we are not leads in one of two directions. The first is that it will cause us to compare ourselves to others in a way that puts ourselves down and lifts others up. The second is that it will cause us to compare ourselves to others in a way that will put others down in order to pridefully lift ourselves up. Either way, we put down the creation of Almighty God that He fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). Also, our focus becomes ourselves and NOT GOD! We should look to Him as He is the author and the finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).
So how can I and others overcome insecurities? 1) Focus on Christ 2) Celebrate and embrace who He created us to be. He does not make mistakes. We are created the way we are for a reason and purpose. We each have different personalities, gifts, and experiences in order to complete with His help the work that He designed for us to do.
Mathematically speaking: Praising God for how He made me PLUS trusting God with His plan for my life MINUS complaining and coveting what I am not EQUALS greater contentment, joy, and purpose in ministry.
This idea is a major work in progress but...Thank You, Father for making me ME!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Is Your Gas Tank Full or Are You Running on Empty?
As a child there was nothing that I enjoyed more than going on a car ride with my Daddy. It did not matter where we were going, I just enjoyed the ride. However, my Dad was famous for letting the fuel indicator light stay on a little longer than Mom and I would have liked. He would always tell Mom and I that we had enough gas for 40 to 50 miles or so and that we needed not to fear. However, I was always still afraid that Dad would push it to the limit too much and we would be stranded without gas in the car in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully, that never happened. He always got us to the gas station in time, even if we were as Mom would say, "running on fumes."
A gasoline powered car cannot run without gasoline. Electronics cannot function without either battery charge or electricity. Without water, sunlight, and roots planted firmly in the ground, a plant or tree will wither away and become non-living. A candle cannot shine a flame without a spark from a lighter or match. All of these analogies show the need for a power source in order to function.
The life and heart of a Christian is no different. God has a specific plan in mind for every believer crafted out by the Master Potter. (Jer. 29:11). The plan that God has for me in many ways is different than the plan He has laid out for you. He created us with different personalities, experiences, and spiritual gifts which are part of each individual's plan and purpose. However, there is much in His plan for every believer that is the same. First, we are all created to serve Him with gladness and give Him the praise for He is worthy ( Psalm 100: 2, Rev. 4:11). Secondly, we are all created to serve others above ourselves in Christlike love. In doing so, others will see our good works and glorify Him (Phil. 2:3-4, Matthew 5:16). These two ideas are how Jesus summed up the whole of all commandments. Therefore, my honest daily prayer is that of being a humble servant of God and others. That is the example that Jesus set and followed to perfection. How did He do it? He stayed in connection to and yielded control to the Father and the Spirit.
If the perfect Son of God needed to do this, then so do I. I cannot run on empty. I cannot be without reliance on my power source in order to fulfill my purpose. The same is true for all believers. He is the Vine and we are the branches. We can only produce fruit if we abide in Him. Without Him we are nothing, but with Him we can do all things. (John 15:4-5, Phil. 4:13).
In order to serve Christ and others to the fullest, we need to take time to fill up and connect to our source of power--Him. To do that we must spend time apart in personal study and prayer. We must seek His ways, His face, His power, His blessing, His Word, and His direction. We have to also rest in God-sufficiency and not self-sufficiency. Christ came apart from the crowds and His ministry to pray seeking the strength and face of His Father.
Believe me, I have often tried to serve in my own strength, especially in my early teenage years of ministry. Believe me, I have served without spending time with Him--just think of 5 of those 9 months in that downward spiral mentioned in my first post of which devotional time was 0% and prayer was minimal crisis prayers along the way. I do believe that God was able to do something with that time of ministry for His name's sake more than my own. However, the fire of the flame was not burning very bright. In my lack of connection to the source, I believe much work that could've been accomplished for Him and others was hindered.
What God taught me through the journey out of the downward spiral was a level of dependency on Him and His Spirit that I had never experienced. Praise God! The only way that I was going to conquer was in the strength and direction of my Lord and His answer to my prayer to change the yielding of my heart back to Him. The result has been that of prayer over each aspect of my ministry with children, adults, music, etc. I cannot impart to others a passion of which I do not first possess. If I am not the one ministering, I am in prayer for those who are doing the ministering. We all need prayer and help as we serve Him in a united heart and purpose. As I walk into situations in life, I find myself in a state of prayer for His strength and wisdom. It has become the closest to a state of continual prayer than I have ever experienced in personal practice. Again, I am not perfect, but learning that to be the most effective in service I need to stay connected to and rely on my One and Only power source. Then when He gives the increase, I must humbly give Him the credit, for it is His work. At times it is easy and tempting to be prideful in heart. I still must cling to the Word that correctly states without Him, I am nothing!
A gasoline powered car cannot run without gasoline. Electronics cannot function without either battery charge or electricity. Without water, sunlight, and roots planted firmly in the ground, a plant or tree will wither away and become non-living. A candle cannot shine a flame without a spark from a lighter or match. All of these analogies show the need for a power source in order to function.
The life and heart of a Christian is no different. God has a specific plan in mind for every believer crafted out by the Master Potter. (Jer. 29:11). The plan that God has for me in many ways is different than the plan He has laid out for you. He created us with different personalities, experiences, and spiritual gifts which are part of each individual's plan and purpose. However, there is much in His plan for every believer that is the same. First, we are all created to serve Him with gladness and give Him the praise for He is worthy ( Psalm 100: 2, Rev. 4:11). Secondly, we are all created to serve others above ourselves in Christlike love. In doing so, others will see our good works and glorify Him (Phil. 2:3-4, Matthew 5:16). These two ideas are how Jesus summed up the whole of all commandments. Therefore, my honest daily prayer is that of being a humble servant of God and others. That is the example that Jesus set and followed to perfection. How did He do it? He stayed in connection to and yielded control to the Father and the Spirit.
If the perfect Son of God needed to do this, then so do I. I cannot run on empty. I cannot be without reliance on my power source in order to fulfill my purpose. The same is true for all believers. He is the Vine and we are the branches. We can only produce fruit if we abide in Him. Without Him we are nothing, but with Him we can do all things. (John 15:4-5, Phil. 4:13).
In order to serve Christ and others to the fullest, we need to take time to fill up and connect to our source of power--Him. To do that we must spend time apart in personal study and prayer. We must seek His ways, His face, His power, His blessing, His Word, and His direction. We have to also rest in God-sufficiency and not self-sufficiency. Christ came apart from the crowds and His ministry to pray seeking the strength and face of His Father.
Believe me, I have often tried to serve in my own strength, especially in my early teenage years of ministry. Believe me, I have served without spending time with Him--just think of 5 of those 9 months in that downward spiral mentioned in my first post of which devotional time was 0% and prayer was minimal crisis prayers along the way. I do believe that God was able to do something with that time of ministry for His name's sake more than my own. However, the fire of the flame was not burning very bright. In my lack of connection to the source, I believe much work that could've been accomplished for Him and others was hindered.
What God taught me through the journey out of the downward spiral was a level of dependency on Him and His Spirit that I had never experienced. Praise God! The only way that I was going to conquer was in the strength and direction of my Lord and His answer to my prayer to change the yielding of my heart back to Him. The result has been that of prayer over each aspect of my ministry with children, adults, music, etc. I cannot impart to others a passion of which I do not first possess. If I am not the one ministering, I am in prayer for those who are doing the ministering. We all need prayer and help as we serve Him in a united heart and purpose. As I walk into situations in life, I find myself in a state of prayer for His strength and wisdom. It has become the closest to a state of continual prayer than I have ever experienced in personal practice. Again, I am not perfect, but learning that to be the most effective in service I need to stay connected to and rely on my One and Only power source. Then when He gives the increase, I must humbly give Him the credit, for it is His work. At times it is easy and tempting to be prideful in heart. I still must cling to the Word that correctly states without Him, I am nothing!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Overcoming FOF--(Fear of Failure)
As much as I hate to admit it, I confess that in my perfectionist personaility, one of Satan's greatest attacks on my heart and life is FOF--Fear of Failure. At times it will keep me from starting something new. What if it all goes wrong? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fall flat on my face? At times it will make me doubt myself every step of the way in works of service, ministry inside and outside the church, and other activites that I seek to be a active participant. In this case it becomes FIF (Fear I Failed) Was it good enough? Could someone else have done better? Oh, I missed that word, that note! I could keep going for a few more lines, but I think that you get the point. I know that I am not the only Christian out there that gets attacked by FOF and FIF. Satan knows that if he can get us to doubt the strength and power of the Mighty Lord that is within us, that he has us right where he wants us. It is a disarming blow. Great men and women of the Bible faced this same issue. Just think about Moses at the burning bush afraid to begin the work that God called him to. He spoke to God loaded with excuses for why not to begin the journey. Gideon threw out the fleece more than once looking for a sign of reassurance when the personal Word of the Lord was to him not enough. I can't help but to think that Courageous Queen Esther had some second thoughts of going to the king unannounced in order to cry a plea for her people--God's people.
Christian, God does not intend for us to live a life of FOF and FIF. I have a small personal shoutout of victory to God that I will share in the next paragraph, but right now I want to give you the Word of God which is better by far than my personal words. Here it goes: God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us (Phil. 4:13). The Lord our God is with us everywhere we go (Joshua 1:9). There is nothing that can separate us from Him and His love (Romans 8:38-39). He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world which allows us to be overcomers (1 John 4:4). What time we are afraid we are to trust Him (Psalm 56:3). In doing so, we are more than conquerors--not because of ourselves, but because of God who loves us (Romans 8:37). Those are some powerful words given to us by our Almighy God! I have to admit that it is easier to write and teach about this than to fully follow these concepts in my human frame. However, in holding to the Word and using it against the enemy, I often find much relief in claiming His victory over these fears.
Despite all this, I have held on to one MAJOR fear. However, within the last few days God's love and grace in the journey has broken through this fear. So here it is-- my personal story. It fits all three postings of this blog so far together.
In my first posting I spoke of how I let the circumstances of life over a job over a 9 month school year, three years ago affect my heart and relationship with God. Thankfully God tugged at my heart for a need to change that has led me over the last two school years into the closest relationship that I have ever had with my wonderful Abba Father. In fact, a relationship that I never dreamed was possible. It has been a journey of lifetime and I praise Him for all He is and what He has done. My relationship with God is important. I want it to be close. I want nothing that I do, others do, or the happenings of life to affect the sweetness of my relationship with my wonderful Lord and Savior. Herein lies the FEAR. What if I mess up and go back to that horrible place of 3 school years ago? That is a place I never want to return to. It was a downward spiral. What if I complete another 9 month downward spiral in my spiritual walk? What if I lose that which I hold dear and cherish? Silly questions, right? They especially go against all the Scripture that I listed above, but these were fears of my heart all the same. Also, being that I have made my journey and story very open to those around me--the last thing I have wanted to do was to be a disappointment to those who know my story and journey. I want to finish the race for Christ strong. This is more than a fad for I and the Lord know the seriousness of my heart.
So here is the ending. What about my major FEAR? What if I FAIL? God has made the answer very clear this week. "Jennifer, you are a sinner. Hate to break it to you, but you fail Me daily. Regardless of your performance I love you the same. There is nothing you can do to change My love for you or to earn the love I offer you. It is My gift of grace to you. Embrace it and hold it next to your heart. When you fail and fall into sin, run back to me ASAP. I am Your Abba Father and will embrace you My child with loving arms. You and I are in this together and I will never leave you."
Granted I always tried to follow that thinking the last two school years. I love my Father and do not like my sin that hurts my Father's heart. It means something to me and affects me dearly from every evil thought to every evil act of disobedience. It can't stay in my life and needs to be taken to Him immediately. While there was always such assurance of His love and forgiveness, I seemed to be held captive to thoughts of the sin meaning that I was back in the spiral again. How silly but the truth of how I felt. When I let the circumstances of my last blog post knock my devotional schedule off by 3 consecutive days of missed study, I felt like I was in that spiral for sure again. That was how the spiral started before--circumstances of my job. I was beside myself. I went to a few special Christian friends with my concerns and fears. I am thankful for their ministry to my heart at that time as I had already taken the steps back to Him, but the fear was still there. Also, thanks to the Lord, He has used that event to help me see that I AM NOT THAT SAME GIRL OF 3 YEARS AGO ANYMORE! Through the journey of the last three years especially, I am different. I can't help but to be. The Lord and I have gone through so much together to rebuild that which I had lost for a time and made it stronger. Can I chose to repeat that downward spiral again. Yes! I am not above doing so. However, through the work of getting out of the spiral with God the first time, I have memories and experiences embedded in my heart that will make it harder for me to fall away for too long. As I have stated before--I am better and stronger for the journey. I am confident that the experiences from the journey which are special memories with God and my God Himself ultimately will keep me from failling so as to present me faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy (Jude 1:24). Not FEAR. JOY! Not just joy. EXCEEDING JOY!
Christian, God does not intend for us to live a life of FOF and FIF. I have a small personal shoutout of victory to God that I will share in the next paragraph, but right now I want to give you the Word of God which is better by far than my personal words. Here it goes: God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us (Phil. 4:13). The Lord our God is with us everywhere we go (Joshua 1:9). There is nothing that can separate us from Him and His love (Romans 8:38-39). He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world which allows us to be overcomers (1 John 4:4). What time we are afraid we are to trust Him (Psalm 56:3). In doing so, we are more than conquerors--not because of ourselves, but because of God who loves us (Romans 8:37). Those are some powerful words given to us by our Almighy God! I have to admit that it is easier to write and teach about this than to fully follow these concepts in my human frame. However, in holding to the Word and using it against the enemy, I often find much relief in claiming His victory over these fears.
Despite all this, I have held on to one MAJOR fear. However, within the last few days God's love and grace in the journey has broken through this fear. So here it is-- my personal story. It fits all three postings of this blog so far together.
In my first posting I spoke of how I let the circumstances of life over a job over a 9 month school year, three years ago affect my heart and relationship with God. Thankfully God tugged at my heart for a need to change that has led me over the last two school years into the closest relationship that I have ever had with my wonderful Abba Father. In fact, a relationship that I never dreamed was possible. It has been a journey of lifetime and I praise Him for all He is and what He has done. My relationship with God is important. I want it to be close. I want nothing that I do, others do, or the happenings of life to affect the sweetness of my relationship with my wonderful Lord and Savior. Herein lies the FEAR. What if I mess up and go back to that horrible place of 3 school years ago? That is a place I never want to return to. It was a downward spiral. What if I complete another 9 month downward spiral in my spiritual walk? What if I lose that which I hold dear and cherish? Silly questions, right? They especially go against all the Scripture that I listed above, but these were fears of my heart all the same. Also, being that I have made my journey and story very open to those around me--the last thing I have wanted to do was to be a disappointment to those who know my story and journey. I want to finish the race for Christ strong. This is more than a fad for I and the Lord know the seriousness of my heart.
So here is the ending. What about my major FEAR? What if I FAIL? God has made the answer very clear this week. "Jennifer, you are a sinner. Hate to break it to you, but you fail Me daily. Regardless of your performance I love you the same. There is nothing you can do to change My love for you or to earn the love I offer you. It is My gift of grace to you. Embrace it and hold it next to your heart. When you fail and fall into sin, run back to me ASAP. I am Your Abba Father and will embrace you My child with loving arms. You and I are in this together and I will never leave you."
Granted I always tried to follow that thinking the last two school years. I love my Father and do not like my sin that hurts my Father's heart. It means something to me and affects me dearly from every evil thought to every evil act of disobedience. It can't stay in my life and needs to be taken to Him immediately. While there was always such assurance of His love and forgiveness, I seemed to be held captive to thoughts of the sin meaning that I was back in the spiral again. How silly but the truth of how I felt. When I let the circumstances of my last blog post knock my devotional schedule off by 3 consecutive days of missed study, I felt like I was in that spiral for sure again. That was how the spiral started before--circumstances of my job. I was beside myself. I went to a few special Christian friends with my concerns and fears. I am thankful for their ministry to my heart at that time as I had already taken the steps back to Him, but the fear was still there. Also, thanks to the Lord, He has used that event to help me see that I AM NOT THAT SAME GIRL OF 3 YEARS AGO ANYMORE! Through the journey of the last three years especially, I am different. I can't help but to be. The Lord and I have gone through so much together to rebuild that which I had lost for a time and made it stronger. Can I chose to repeat that downward spiral again. Yes! I am not above doing so. However, through the work of getting out of the spiral with God the first time, I have memories and experiences embedded in my heart that will make it harder for me to fall away for too long. As I have stated before--I am better and stronger for the journey. I am confident that the experiences from the journey which are special memories with God and my God Himself ultimately will keep me from failling so as to present me faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy (Jude 1:24). Not FEAR. JOY! Not just joy. EXCEEDING JOY!
Friday, June 22, 2012
When My Job Takes Over God's Right To Be Centerstage
Everyone likes to be centerstage every once and awhile. All eyes, all ears, all focus, all attention, given 100% in their direction. I would be lying if I did not admit that I am no exception to this rule. We all have a need to be loved, valued, and appreciated. In fact, I believe that is how God designed the heart's need of women especially. One (and I am especially speaking of myself) must be careful that this need does not turn into a sin of selfishness as well as a hunger to look to others instead of God for our self-worth.
In the heart of Christian, God desires that He be centerstage. No. God is not selfish and off on some ego trip. He lovingly cares for all of His children. He knows what is best for them and that goes back to commandment #1 in old and new testament form--To love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Nothing or no one above Him. Him first. He desires nothing more than His children to be devoted to and focused on Him. I will confess it. He alone is worthy of that devotion and focus. Life is more centered, happy, and balanced when He and He alone has centerstage in our heart and life. Great sadness and even destruction can come when a child of God loses this priority and focus. Peter is a good example. He was walking on the water as long as Jesus was his focus. When he took his eyes off Christ, he sank.
The last month has greatly had its ups and downs as focus on my job has been at times a winning temptation in knocking God off the centerstage of my heart. Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you that I am a perfectionist and workaholic. Many verses come to mind here such as Col. 3:23, Col. 3:17, Ecc. 9:10 which state the importance of giving each and every task its very best in honor of our Maker. There is nothing wrong with doing a great job and working hard. These are Bible principles. God wants His children to be the leaders in work ethic. Work should fulfill the purpose that God has for His children without becoming a bigger priority than the One who equipped His child for the work.
While I may not be the best teacher in the world, I do believe teaching to be my spiritual gift given to me from the Lord. I take great joy and pride in the calling as both a school teacher and church teacher. Teaching is a career of guidance, love, and selfless service. There is no greater joy than seeing the fruit of growth in those you teach and lead. It is God who gives the increase. Though at times a teacher plants the seeds and trusts in faith the increase because it is not always seen or visible-especially with the middle school age that I work with at school. They are a work in progress as much as I am in my Christian walk.
A month ago today my students took a state test for Virginia for mathematics. It was brand new in format. All teachers across the state were not ready for this change. I know that my worth and that of my students cannot be measured in one test alone. However, when my results came back I entered a level of sadness that I have not felt in a long time. Not to mention fear of what the future holds for my teaching job. I am not alone. Greater prophets and children of God have faced the same feelings--Job, David, Jeremiah, Elijah. It is not a fun place. We all want results for the work that we have labored. We want them visible. We often attach our worth to such performance based notions. NOT SO WITH OUR GOD! HE LOVES REGARDLESS OF PERFORMANCE!
While I tried to keep my focus on Christ and the foundation on the Rock, I constantly battled. I even let the Bible reading in my devotional time slip to a place that it has not been in two years by skipping 3 consecutive days of study. The only thing that I knew to do was to PRAY! And pray I did. God and God alone was the only One who knew the deepest cries of despair of my heart. He heard and understood every emotion and thought whether right or wrong. It was a battle. I determined that I had to keep praying and also STUDYING again. There were times when all my heart could think about was the emotions of what I was feeling. But I could not give up. There still were mountain tops and valleys in this process. Not all was perfect as this perfectionist would like.
My in and out lack of complete focus on God rather than the battle did not make the best ending of the school year. There were times where selfishly all I could think about was ME, ME, AND MORE ME instead of my school, team, friends, and students that I am also called to serve with a Christ-like spirit. What I wouldn't give to get that time back. They are only my students for a few entrusted months. What I wouldn't give to proclaim in witness to my co-workers a faith in God through the circumstances that I actively profess to have instead of seeing me after work in tears that represented lack of faith in an amazing God.
However, what I can give praise to God about (other than forgiveness in my human failure in all this) is that through it all, He has turned my tears into a NEW SONG of faith and love for Him. He is in control. I even sang before my church "God is in Control" as a solo to declare my hope and confidence in Him. He is in charge of my life and every circumstance is given for my good. I have a new happiness in returning to work in a few months and I am in prayer over the new group of students that will enter into room 134. I left my room a week ago today in prayer for my classes next year before shutting the door. Whatever happens next school year, my God and I will handle it together.
In the heart of Christian, God desires that He be centerstage. No. God is not selfish and off on some ego trip. He lovingly cares for all of His children. He knows what is best for them and that goes back to commandment #1 in old and new testament form--To love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Nothing or no one above Him. Him first. He desires nothing more than His children to be devoted to and focused on Him. I will confess it. He alone is worthy of that devotion and focus. Life is more centered, happy, and balanced when He and He alone has centerstage in our heart and life. Great sadness and even destruction can come when a child of God loses this priority and focus. Peter is a good example. He was walking on the water as long as Jesus was his focus. When he took his eyes off Christ, he sank.
The last month has greatly had its ups and downs as focus on my job has been at times a winning temptation in knocking God off the centerstage of my heart. Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you that I am a perfectionist and workaholic. Many verses come to mind here such as Col. 3:23, Col. 3:17, Ecc. 9:10 which state the importance of giving each and every task its very best in honor of our Maker. There is nothing wrong with doing a great job and working hard. These are Bible principles. God wants His children to be the leaders in work ethic. Work should fulfill the purpose that God has for His children without becoming a bigger priority than the One who equipped His child for the work.
While I may not be the best teacher in the world, I do believe teaching to be my spiritual gift given to me from the Lord. I take great joy and pride in the calling as both a school teacher and church teacher. Teaching is a career of guidance, love, and selfless service. There is no greater joy than seeing the fruit of growth in those you teach and lead. It is God who gives the increase. Though at times a teacher plants the seeds and trusts in faith the increase because it is not always seen or visible-especially with the middle school age that I work with at school. They are a work in progress as much as I am in my Christian walk.
A month ago today my students took a state test for Virginia for mathematics. It was brand new in format. All teachers across the state were not ready for this change. I know that my worth and that of my students cannot be measured in one test alone. However, when my results came back I entered a level of sadness that I have not felt in a long time. Not to mention fear of what the future holds for my teaching job. I am not alone. Greater prophets and children of God have faced the same feelings--Job, David, Jeremiah, Elijah. It is not a fun place. We all want results for the work that we have labored. We want them visible. We often attach our worth to such performance based notions. NOT SO WITH OUR GOD! HE LOVES REGARDLESS OF PERFORMANCE!
While I tried to keep my focus on Christ and the foundation on the Rock, I constantly battled. I even let the Bible reading in my devotional time slip to a place that it has not been in two years by skipping 3 consecutive days of study. The only thing that I knew to do was to PRAY! And pray I did. God and God alone was the only One who knew the deepest cries of despair of my heart. He heard and understood every emotion and thought whether right or wrong. It was a battle. I determined that I had to keep praying and also STUDYING again. There were times when all my heart could think about was the emotions of what I was feeling. But I could not give up. There still were mountain tops and valleys in this process. Not all was perfect as this perfectionist would like.
My in and out lack of complete focus on God rather than the battle did not make the best ending of the school year. There were times where selfishly all I could think about was ME, ME, AND MORE ME instead of my school, team, friends, and students that I am also called to serve with a Christ-like spirit. What I wouldn't give to get that time back. They are only my students for a few entrusted months. What I wouldn't give to proclaim in witness to my co-workers a faith in God through the circumstances that I actively profess to have instead of seeing me after work in tears that represented lack of faith in an amazing God.
However, what I can give praise to God about (other than forgiveness in my human failure in all this) is that through it all, He has turned my tears into a NEW SONG of faith and love for Him. He is in control. I even sang before my church "God is in Control" as a solo to declare my hope and confidence in Him. He is in charge of my life and every circumstance is given for my good. I have a new happiness in returning to work in a few months and I am in prayer over the new group of students that will enter into room 134. I left my room a week ago today in prayer for my classes next year before shutting the door. Whatever happens next school year, my God and I will handle it together.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
The Beauty and Freedom of Sharing our Journey
Every journey must start somewhere and ultimately every traveler on a journey has a set destination or goal in mind as they begin their travel. Not all journeys are smooth. Not all journeys go as planned. There are often many stops, twists, and turns along the way. In the end, those journeys make for some really good stories to tell, share, and to think of fondly.
I say all of these things in order to say that the life of Christian is no different. The journey of the Christian life begins when the Christian makes a decision to accept Christ as their One and Only means of salvation and Forgiver of their sin. The final destination is, thanks to Him, eternal life in heaven. However, in the years of time in between, is the journey of a lifetime. It is in those years of time that God, the Potter, molds and shapes the lives of His children from who they were into the image of who He has designed for them to be. The journey is not always smooth. However, the hand of God is at work.
I have started to write this blog as a means to share my journey with the Lord as I continue to follow Him on the journey of a lifetime--the journey of being a Woman After God's Own Heart. No. I am not a perfect follower of God. My journey has had many twists, turns, bumps, bruises, wrong ways, U-turns, and any other reference that would fit here. However, that is the beauty of the journey. The perfect Lord has been with me every step of the way and will continue to be until I reach my final heavenly home. He has used the circumstances of life to mold me and create me into a better image of Himself. Praise God that He is not finished with me yet and has not given up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
Now to get to the reason behind the title of this blog. Here it goes...The last three school years (as I am a teacher), have served the greatest purpose in my 24/25 year Christian life. I do not have the time or space to tell it all. However, three school years ago, I let the circumstances of life draw me daily away from the Lord step by step, slowly. Yes I was still in church. Yes I was still serving. Yes I was still trying to follow the Lord. However, over time I began to get bitter about circumstances and even towards a wonderful God. How could He let these things that were happening happen? Did He even care? I know, silly questions. I felt that He owed me something for all my years of hard work and service. How could He let me down? These sinful questions, attitudes, and thoughts killed my heart and love for my God slowly. I stopped having a devotional time. I started to make little compromises in His commands. My sin no longer touched my heart as it should. My heart started to turn majorly in the wrong direction. Let me say right now--IT WAS NOT GOD. HE DID NOT GO ANYWHERE. I DID.
Praise God, that He loved me His child enough to not let me stay there. He tugged at the strings of my heart two school years ago by allowing me to hear the thoughts of my heart in church one day. I came to realize how far away I was from where I wanted to be with my relationship with God. In fact, I honestly knew it all along. I hid it with a smile. I said the right things trying to hide who I had become. I was a prisoner in my own heart.
Freedom came at last when first I spoke with God for hours in complete honesty of all my feelings and actions. It did not all happen overnight. Freedom also came when I was able to be honest with others in where I had been. At first, I only opened up to two special people in my life--fellow believers who also took my case up to the throne room of God on my behalf. God, my fellow believers, and I together. My journey become a journey of love for God and excitement again. I saw how He was directing my steps and lighting my path back to Him. It was not easy. It took steps of repentance, confession, and hard work. But it was worth it! I couldn't help but begin to share my story and testimony of what the Lord has done and is doing to anyone who would listen. He was/is a Deliverer in so many ways. He set my feet upon His Rock. Not only that, but He has used my experience to help others. No. I am still not perfect. Every day and moment is a decision of Who I will follow and serve. However, God has placed me back together much stronger and better than I began. He has made something beautiful out of my mess. Only God can do that!
I solely believe that God intends for us not to hide the struggles of the Christian life. James 5:16, Galatians 6:2 He intends for us to share both the good and bad of our lives, the strengths and weaknesses. There is freedom in breaking down the walls and just being real with one another. Not in order to judge one another (for we are all guilty of the same things--if not in action--in heart and motive), but to pray for one another in the Christian battle. Then, to celebrate the victory and praise that belong to our God. No person can or should replace God in our lives, but we are the body of Christ to help and support one another. I am thankful for those who have done this for me.
I look forward to blogging my continual journey!
I say all of these things in order to say that the life of Christian is no different. The journey of the Christian life begins when the Christian makes a decision to accept Christ as their One and Only means of salvation and Forgiver of their sin. The final destination is, thanks to Him, eternal life in heaven. However, in the years of time in between, is the journey of a lifetime. It is in those years of time that God, the Potter, molds and shapes the lives of His children from who they were into the image of who He has designed for them to be. The journey is not always smooth. However, the hand of God is at work.
I have started to write this blog as a means to share my journey with the Lord as I continue to follow Him on the journey of a lifetime--the journey of being a Woman After God's Own Heart. No. I am not a perfect follower of God. My journey has had many twists, turns, bumps, bruises, wrong ways, U-turns, and any other reference that would fit here. However, that is the beauty of the journey. The perfect Lord has been with me every step of the way and will continue to be until I reach my final heavenly home. He has used the circumstances of life to mold me and create me into a better image of Himself. Praise God that He is not finished with me yet and has not given up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.
Now to get to the reason behind the title of this blog. Here it goes...The last three school years (as I am a teacher), have served the greatest purpose in my 24/25 year Christian life. I do not have the time or space to tell it all. However, three school years ago, I let the circumstances of life draw me daily away from the Lord step by step, slowly. Yes I was still in church. Yes I was still serving. Yes I was still trying to follow the Lord. However, over time I began to get bitter about circumstances and even towards a wonderful God. How could He let these things that were happening happen? Did He even care? I know, silly questions. I felt that He owed me something for all my years of hard work and service. How could He let me down? These sinful questions, attitudes, and thoughts killed my heart and love for my God slowly. I stopped having a devotional time. I started to make little compromises in His commands. My sin no longer touched my heart as it should. My heart started to turn majorly in the wrong direction. Let me say right now--IT WAS NOT GOD. HE DID NOT GO ANYWHERE. I DID.
Praise God, that He loved me His child enough to not let me stay there. He tugged at the strings of my heart two school years ago by allowing me to hear the thoughts of my heart in church one day. I came to realize how far away I was from where I wanted to be with my relationship with God. In fact, I honestly knew it all along. I hid it with a smile. I said the right things trying to hide who I had become. I was a prisoner in my own heart.
Freedom came at last when first I spoke with God for hours in complete honesty of all my feelings and actions. It did not all happen overnight. Freedom also came when I was able to be honest with others in where I had been. At first, I only opened up to two special people in my life--fellow believers who also took my case up to the throne room of God on my behalf. God, my fellow believers, and I together. My journey become a journey of love for God and excitement again. I saw how He was directing my steps and lighting my path back to Him. It was not easy. It took steps of repentance, confession, and hard work. But it was worth it! I couldn't help but begin to share my story and testimony of what the Lord has done and is doing to anyone who would listen. He was/is a Deliverer in so many ways. He set my feet upon His Rock. Not only that, but He has used my experience to help others. No. I am still not perfect. Every day and moment is a decision of Who I will follow and serve. However, God has placed me back together much stronger and better than I began. He has made something beautiful out of my mess. Only God can do that!
I solely believe that God intends for us not to hide the struggles of the Christian life. James 5:16, Galatians 6:2 He intends for us to share both the good and bad of our lives, the strengths and weaknesses. There is freedom in breaking down the walls and just being real with one another. Not in order to judge one another (for we are all guilty of the same things--if not in action--in heart and motive), but to pray for one another in the Christian battle. Then, to celebrate the victory and praise that belong to our God. No person can or should replace God in our lives, but we are the body of Christ to help and support one another. I am thankful for those who have done this for me.
I look forward to blogging my continual journey!
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