As much as I hate to admit it, I confess that in my perfectionist personaility, one of Satan's greatest attacks on my heart and life is FOF--Fear of Failure. At times it will keep me from starting something new. What if it all goes wrong? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fall flat on my face? At times it will make me doubt myself every step of the way in works of service, ministry inside and outside the church, and other activites that I seek to be a active participant. In this case it becomes FIF (Fear I Failed) Was it good enough? Could someone else have done better? Oh, I missed that word, that note! I could keep going for a few more lines, but I think that you get the point. I know that I am not the only Christian out there that gets attacked by FOF and FIF. Satan knows that if he can get us to doubt the strength and power of the Mighty Lord that is within us, that he has us right where he wants us. It is a disarming blow. Great men and women of the Bible faced this same issue. Just think about Moses at the burning bush afraid to begin the work that God called him to. He spoke to God loaded with excuses for why not to begin the journey. Gideon threw out the fleece more than once looking for a sign of reassurance when the personal Word of the Lord was to him not enough. I can't help but to think that Courageous Queen Esther had some second thoughts of going to the king unannounced in order to cry a plea for her people--God's people.
Christian, God does not intend for us to live a life of FOF and FIF. I have a small personal shoutout of victory to God that I will share in the next paragraph, but right now I want to give you the Word of God which is better by far than my personal words. Here it goes: God has not given us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7). We can do all things through Christ which strengthens us (Phil. 4:13). The Lord our God is with us everywhere we go (Joshua 1:9). There is nothing that can separate us from Him and His love (Romans 8:38-39). He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world which allows us to be overcomers (1 John 4:4). What time we are afraid we are to trust Him (Psalm 56:3). In doing so, we are more than conquerors--not because of ourselves, but because of God who loves us (Romans 8:37). Those are some powerful words given to us by our Almighy God! I have to admit that it is easier to write and teach about this than to fully follow these concepts in my human frame. However, in holding to the Word and using it against the enemy, I often find much relief in claiming His victory over these fears.
Despite all this, I have held on to one MAJOR fear. However, within the last few days God's love and grace in the journey has broken through this fear. So here it is-- my personal story. It fits all three postings of this blog so far together.
In my first posting I spoke of how I let the circumstances of life over a job over a 9 month school year, three years ago affect my heart and relationship with God. Thankfully God tugged at my heart for a need to change that has led me over the last two school years into the closest relationship that I have ever had with my wonderful Abba Father. In fact, a relationship that I never dreamed was possible. It has been a journey of lifetime and I praise Him for all He is and what He has done. My relationship with God is important. I want it to be close. I want nothing that I do, others do, or the happenings of life to affect the sweetness of my relationship with my wonderful Lord and Savior. Herein lies the FEAR. What if I mess up and go back to that horrible place of 3 school years ago? That is a place I never want to return to. It was a downward spiral. What if I complete another 9 month downward spiral in my spiritual walk? What if I lose that which I hold dear and cherish? Silly questions, right? They especially go against all the Scripture that I listed above, but these were fears of my heart all the same. Also, being that I have made my journey and story very open to those around me--the last thing I have wanted to do was to be a disappointment to those who know my story and journey. I want to finish the race for Christ strong. This is more than a fad for I and the Lord know the seriousness of my heart.
So here is the ending. What about my major FEAR? What if I FAIL? God has made the answer very clear this week. "Jennifer, you are a sinner. Hate to break it to you, but you fail Me daily. Regardless of your performance I love you the same. There is nothing you can do to change My love for you or to earn the love I offer you. It is My gift of grace to you. Embrace it and hold it next to your heart. When you fail and fall into sin, run back to me ASAP. I am Your Abba Father and will embrace you My child with loving arms. You and I are in this together and I will never leave you."
Granted I always tried to follow that thinking the last two school years. I love my Father and do not like my sin that hurts my Father's heart. It means something to me and affects me dearly from every evil thought to every evil act of disobedience. It can't stay in my life and needs to be taken to Him immediately. While there was always such assurance of His love and forgiveness, I seemed to be held captive to thoughts of the sin meaning that I was back in the spiral again. How silly but the truth of how I felt. When I let the circumstances of my last blog post knock my devotional schedule off by 3 consecutive days of missed study, I felt like I was in that spiral for sure again. That was how the spiral started before--circumstances of my job. I was beside myself. I went to a few special Christian friends with my concerns and fears. I am thankful for their ministry to my heart at that time as I had already taken the steps back to Him, but the fear was still there. Also, thanks to the Lord, He has used that event to help me see that I AM NOT THAT SAME GIRL OF 3 YEARS AGO ANYMORE! Through the journey of the last three years especially, I am different. I can't help but to be. The Lord and I have gone through so much together to rebuild that which I had lost for a time and made it stronger. Can I chose to repeat that downward spiral again. Yes! I am not above doing so. However, through the work of getting out of the spiral with God the first time, I have memories and experiences embedded in my heart that will make it harder for me to fall away for too long. As I have stated before--I am better and stronger for the journey. I am confident that the experiences from the journey which are special memories with God and my God Himself ultimately will keep me from failling so as to present me faultless before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy (Jude 1:24). Not FEAR. JOY! Not just joy. EXCEEDING JOY!
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