Everyone likes to be centerstage every once and awhile. All eyes, all ears, all focus, all attention, given 100% in their direction. I would be lying if I did not admit that I am no exception to this rule. We all have a need to be loved, valued, and appreciated. In fact, I believe that is how God designed the heart's need of women especially. One (and I am especially speaking of myself) must be careful that this need does not turn into a sin of selfishness as well as a hunger to look to others instead of God for our self-worth.
In the heart of Christian, God desires that He be centerstage. No. God is not selfish and off on some ego trip. He lovingly cares for all of His children. He knows what is best for them and that goes back to commandment #1 in old and new testament form--To love the Lord with all their heart, soul, mind, and strength. Nothing or no one above Him. Him first. He desires nothing more than His children to be devoted to and focused on Him. I will confess it. He alone is worthy of that devotion and focus. Life is more centered, happy, and balanced when He and He alone has centerstage in our heart and life. Great sadness and even destruction can come when a child of God loses this priority and focus. Peter is a good example. He was walking on the water as long as Jesus was his focus. When he took his eyes off Christ, he sank.
The last month has greatly had its ups and downs as focus on my job has been at times a winning temptation in knocking God off the centerstage of my heart. Anyone who knows anything about me will tell you that I am a perfectionist and workaholic. Many verses come to mind here such as Col. 3:23, Col. 3:17, Ecc. 9:10 which state the importance of giving each and every task its very best in honor of our Maker. There is nothing wrong with doing a great job and working hard. These are Bible principles. God wants His children to be the leaders in work ethic. Work should fulfill the purpose that God has for His children without becoming a bigger priority than the One who equipped His child for the work.
While I may not be the best teacher in the world, I do believe teaching to be my spiritual gift given to me from the Lord. I take great joy and pride in the calling as both a school teacher and church teacher. Teaching is a career of guidance, love, and selfless service. There is no greater joy than seeing the fruit of growth in those you teach and lead. It is God who gives the increase. Though at times a teacher plants the seeds and trusts in faith the increase because it is not always seen or visible-especially with the middle school age that I work with at school. They are a work in progress as much as I am in my Christian walk.
A month ago today my students took a state test for Virginia for mathematics. It was brand new in format. All teachers across the state were not ready for this change. I know that my worth and that of my students cannot be measured in one test alone. However, when my results came back I entered a level of sadness that I have not felt in a long time. Not to mention fear of what the future holds for my teaching job. I am not alone. Greater prophets and children of God have faced the same feelings--Job, David, Jeremiah, Elijah. It is not a fun place. We all want results for the work that we have labored. We want them visible. We often attach our worth to such performance based notions. NOT SO WITH OUR GOD! HE LOVES REGARDLESS OF PERFORMANCE!
While I tried to keep my focus on Christ and the foundation on the Rock, I constantly battled. I even let the Bible reading in my devotional time slip to a place that it has not been in two years by skipping 3 consecutive days of study. The only thing that I knew to do was to PRAY! And pray I did. God and God alone was the only One who knew the deepest cries of despair of my heart. He heard and understood every emotion and thought whether right or wrong. It was a battle. I determined that I had to keep praying and also STUDYING again. There were times when all my heart could think about was the emotions of what I was feeling. But I could not give up. There still were mountain tops and valleys in this process. Not all was perfect as this perfectionist would like.
My in and out lack of complete focus on God rather than the battle did not make the best ending of the school year. There were times where selfishly all I could think about was ME, ME, AND MORE ME instead of my school, team, friends, and students that I am also called to serve with a Christ-like spirit. What I wouldn't give to get that time back. They are only my students for a few entrusted months. What I wouldn't give to proclaim in witness to my co-workers a faith in God through the circumstances that I actively profess to have instead of seeing me after work in tears that represented lack of faith in an amazing God.
However, what I can give praise to God about (other than forgiveness in my human failure in all this) is that through it all, He has turned my tears into a NEW SONG of faith and love for Him. He is in control. I even sang before my church "God is in Control" as a solo to declare my hope and confidence in Him. He is in charge of my life and every circumstance is given for my good. I have a new happiness in returning to work in a few months and I am in prayer over the new group of students that will enter into room 134. I left my room a week ago today in prayer for my classes next year before shutting the door. Whatever happens next school year, my God and I will handle it together.
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