From The Heart of a Child--Let the Children Come Unto Him

Ministry for the cause of Christ with any age group is always a blessing.  However, I love ministry with children, especially.  The heart and faith of children are priceless.  They love and share openly and honestly asking for little in return but a caring adult to share their heart, life, and love.  Jesus loved the little children and asked that they not be hindered in coming to Him.  He was not too busy for them in His ministry.  He stated that if one is to come to know Him as Savior that they must come with the trusting faith of a child.  We are warned in Scripture to not be a stumbling block for children, but instead to teach them about Him in every activity of life and show them His ways.

Pictured above is me with my first English class at a Christian summer camp in Hungary (one camper is not pictured as she injured her knee).  I have taught children in multiple settings for close to 20 years, but this group is very special to my heart as this was my first experience serving on an international missions trip. 

While each of these children are special to my heart, from day one of teaching one child captured my heart from the moment I said "Hello. Good morning.  My name is Jennifer."  Her name was Karmen.  She is three from the right in the picture above (white shirt, purple jacket, and pink pants).  Karmen always came to class with a smile, a hug, a hello, and many questions.  I was nervous to teach English to children who spoke mainly Hungarian, as I knew little Hungarian.  I was told by my director not to worry as one to two children would step up and play the role of translator within my group to help me out.  Guess who did that for me on day one?  That is right, Karmen.  She showed genuine concern for every person, adult or child in our group. 

Camp is centered around evangelist outreach in order for children to come hear of how they can accept the free gift of Christ's death, burial, and resurrection for payment for their sins and have an eternal home in heaven.  Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday nights are big nights of sharing the gospel at evening meeting time.  Tuesday is the big public invitation night.  I prayed for my campers to listen, understand, and accept Christ if they had not already done so in their lives.  That night 5 out of my 9 campers came forward to accept Christ.  Praise God.  Karmen was one of them.  Super Duper Praise to my heart.

Wednesday morning during class, my teaching partner and I asked the children who went forward and if anyone wanted to share about accepting Christ.  Karmen raised her hand.  I thought she wanted to share about herself.  But I was wrong.  I am trying to hold back the tears typing what she wanted to share.  She didn't want to share about herself.  Her question in broken English was "What about you?"  She asked with such urgency.  She asked with such care and concern in her eyes and face.  I can still picture it vividly.  She had just accepted Christ the night before and her greatest concern on her heart was that her two camp English teachers knew Christ too.  WOW!  What a humbling thought.  Is there any wonder that Jesus said what He did about the heart and faith of a child?  My teaching partner and I were able to communicate using as little English words as possible for clarity through a language barrier that YES we both knew Christ.  I accepted Him as a second grader and my teaching partner as a teenager.  We explained that we were at camp teaching English because we knew Christ and we wanted each of them to hear about Him and know Him too.  Karmen then smiled the biggest smile that I had ever seen from her (and remember she was always smiling).  She was happy because we too knew Christ and she understood the heart of the ministry of why we were there.

Karmen continued to come to class with a smile, hugs, helpful translation, a loving heart, and ready to learn English and about the Lord.  On Thursday night Karmen (pictured above) came forward to give her testimony.  As she spoke in Hungarian, it was translated into English for me to hear fully her shared heart.  She grew up in a Christian family, but realized that Tuesday night that it was not enough to get to heaven on her parent's salvation.  She needed to make it personal for her.  She said that "Jesus filled the empty place in her heart and it is no longer empty.  Jesus is there.  He is inside."  Praise God.

I am still in awe of this new sister in Christ.  Still humbled that she cared enough to be an evangelist to me in less than 24 hours of her salvation even through a language barrier.  This makes any excuse that I could ever give for not sharing the gospel to those around me invalid.  Still amazed at her strength to publicly speak at the age of 12 of her testimony of Christ before others.  Praying for what the Lord has in His plan for her.  If you are reading this, she could use your prayers too. 

Most certainly the heart of child is a blessed thing.  Ministry to children is most definitely a blessing.  With one child in one week I received much more than I gave.  Let the children come unto Him and may we together impact the next generation for Christ. 

Welcome To The Elijah Complex Mixed With a Bad Case of Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda...

My devotional time has been spent the last few days on such an incredible man of God, Elijah.  He was brought on to the scene by God during a time at which wicked King Ahab and his wife, Jezebel, had done much to lead the people of God away from Him and into the worship of false gods, mainly Baal.  Elijah delivers the message that there would be no rain until he is given the word from God.  Elijah has to flee for his life after delivering the message to be fed by God by the ravens.  Elijah was then fed by a widow woman who gives Elijah the last oil and flour made meal that she had for her and her son.  In providing for the man of God first, the widow who was down to nothing sees God provide her needs as her flour and oil never go dry.  Elijah in strength and courage stands against King Ahab and the false prophets of Baal and for the Lord as he prays openly for God to call down fire from heaven upon a soaked altar.  God who alone controls the rain and the fire sets Elijah's altar ablaze so that the people of God return to Him.  The prophets of Baal do not get an answer from Baal for all their efforts of yelling, pleading, and cutting themselves.  The false prophets of Baal are slain.  Elijah prays persistently in belief for rain as God had said.  He prays silently with faith and anticipation.  Jezebel hearing of the prophets of Baal's deaths threatens Elijah with the same. 
Elijah has done much for the name and sake of the Lord and has been greatly used by Him.  However, he is exhausted in more ways than one.  What does he do?  He flees to a juniper tree.  He feels falsely as if he is the only faithful servant of the Lord left.  He even tells God that he wishes to just plain die.  Sounds odd for the man of God who stood so bravely and with such courage.  However, I am so very glad that this truthful account is included in Scripture.  In fact the Scriptures are full of people who were ordinary and sinful, but God loved and used greatly despite themselves.  Peter and King David always come to my mind first.  Peter was greatly used of God after he was reinstated after his denial of knowing Christ.  Though King David sinned greatly, God told every other King that they and the people of God would be blessed if they would rule with the heart and leadership of King David.
This morning I knew that the Elijah complex of his depression after doing such great things for God was coming.  It took everything that I had to read it, for this gal in the last few days at times has most certainly been there in 3 days of being home from an international missions trip to Hungary.  However, also part of me was so relieved to read his account to know that I am and have not been alone.
After spending 16 days traveling to, serving as an English instructor at camp in, and traveling from Hungary, I have many exciting and praiseworthy stories of God, His work, His provision, and His people.  It was such a time of growth personally, spiritually, and in ministry.  I was blessed after a 3 year wait in God's timing for many important reasons to be given the opportunity to go and serve this summer so that campers may hear the gospel and have a chance to turn to Him in eternal saving grace.  That is exciting.  I left with a big piece of my heart still there as a country that already meant much to my heart grew an even bigger place of my heart.  It is amazing how God works.  I hope someday to be given a chance to return and when asked if I would make the trip again, the answer is an astounding YES.  When asked if I am glad to be back home the truthful answer is both yes and no. 
Where is the Elijah complex?  Maybe not quite the same way as Elijah, but my Elijah complex came in the middle of my time of serving in Hungary.  Of all the wonderful times and stories, my heart also is stuck on a not so great day and a half in my Elijah complex that has honestly left me with feelings sadness in my failure and many coulda, woulda, shoulda thoughts.  Feels very weird to share as I know that it opens myself up to human judgment, but at the same time I do stand by the fact that there is beauty in being honest and transparent for I know that somehow just like Elijah of old, that I most certainly cannot be alone.  So here goes nothing or possibly something...
My first week at camp went very smoothly.  From the moment of landing and after getting over some feelings of culture shock, I truly felt at home.  Everyone was kind, welcoming, and helpful.  It took some getting used to teaching English within a camp atmosphere within a language barrier, but after a few classes prayers were answered to get accustomed to the task at hand.  My campers in my group were great.  My teaching partner was great and we worked well together.  There was unity in all the English department.  I loved sharing Biblical findings from my camp quiet time and praying for the camp, camp staff, and campers.  Children from my group gave smiles and hugs and excitement.  5 of my 9 campers came to Christ during invitation night.  One of them went forward to give testimony on testimony night and I heard her Hungarian speaking heart translated in full English for the first time.  WOW!  Before leaving on Saturday morning she came with a translator to speak to me after the final camp breakfast to thank me for teaching English and how my time in class with her changed her heart.  WOW!  What a powerful week one.  To God be the glory.
Where is the Elijah complex?  Week two is coming.  After a busy day of incredible sightseeing with an awesome missionary in Hungary and 2 fellow English instructors on Saturday, campers for week 2 were coming in on Sunday.  I awoke Sunday morning to prayer and nervousness.  I knew that the transition from week one to week two would be a big thing.  I prayed for unity for us as workers.  I prayed that I would fit and belong with the new crew coming in to work.  I prayed for the partner that I would paired with, even if I did not know who they were yet.  I opened my door to walk to church service and they were all right outside my door.  I introduced myself and walked with them to church.  I tried my best to make them feel welcome and help them with the translation headsets.  I left with a smile and reassurance that this week was going to be just as great. 
After testing our kids for English placement the program director explained to me that she needed to change my level placement from an upper beginner group that I taught the week before to an absolute beginner group.  I agreed to the change for I was told for a year that flexibility in this ministry was the key.  I was nervous in the change, but excited that I would get to meet my new campers the following day.  I had planning time with my partner teacher and it went great.  Lesson plans for the following day were completed quickly and I was excited to teach them.  At the end of the day, another teacher was added to our group and we were glad to have her.  I prayed that we would have an awesome first class, awesome week, and for His leadership as I went to bed Sunday night.  I also messaged two wonderful ladies back home to be in prayer that God would help us teach our group and help me to be flexible and welcoming with my new teaching team.
Monday came the three of us worked well together.  Our group had much younger children, but they were lovely and seemed to have fun.  I couldn't wait until Monday night when we taught the second lesson.  Between Monday morning and Monday afternoon, I hit the beginning of my Elijah complex.  I was approached by two people within hours with claims of being unfair and leaving one of my team mates out, but not by the team mate herself.  I did not say much except "I was trying", but after the second accusation, withdrew myself to the meeting room for about an hour to pray while in tears.  I prayed that I would see His truth.  I prayed to seek if this was true.  I felt attacked especially since the prayer of my heart and my actions I felt were not in accordance to what was being said.  God knew my heart.  God knew my actions.  God knew what I had been trying to do.  I just wanted to do a good job and I felt attacked and publicly in a room before our other teachers.  After praying and drying my tears I opened to our camp quiet time passage which was Philippians chapter 2 to have my heart reminded of how selfish my focus was becoming.  I was hurt and in some ways thinking more on me, less on others, less on God, and less on the mission that I was sent to camp for--reaching the campers for Christ.  I then prayed for God to forgive me and help me to get my focus on track.  I held my feeling in until later that night when I spoke of them to a friend.  While I should not have spoken to her, she did take time to pray with me and for me and provide some needed guidance and perspective.
I awoke Tuesday morning with God centered and others centered focus.  In prayer I was ready to go in the strength of Christ to teach our English class.  As I entered the room to get things ready, I was approached by my director with relating the same claims.  That made 3 people in less than 24 hours.  My emotions had all they could take for now I truly felt that all were against me and like Elijah I felt alone.  I am such an emotional person as well as a people pleaser.  These things can be good or they can be used negatively for my downfall as Christian young lady.  I still felt these things to be untrue and I had taken a solid look unto them.  I felt I was trying with all my strength and His.  As my emotions came out they came out in a way that showed confusion while being truthful, desperate, and in some ways lacked self control.  These emotional words included phrases such as "I can't do this anymore" and "I just want to go home."  I was not truly homesick.  I loved it there.  I just felt stuck and did not know what to do to help or change things.  I felt attacked and just wanted to be left alone.  I wanted others to know my heart.  I just wanted to do a good job.  Again, while I am only human, the center of all these statements is selfishly "I".  I had to teach class and class went so well, but after class we spoke more and prayed which helped.  However, my human heart was so confused.  I was so hurt. While I went forward to act in Christian love outwardly with his help to those around me, I was struggling with being forgiving in my heart.  Class Tuesday afternoon went great as well, but I was still struggling in my heart.  Invitation night was Tuesday night and I even lacked complete joy in seeing campers come to Christ because I was focused on my dilemma and feelings.  I walked that night around camp praying to God again my feelings as He knew them perfectly anyway about "not being able to do this anymore" "everyone being against me" "just wanting to leave" and "questioning why I was here at camp a second week".  If I had just left after one week, then I would have left Hungary happy and excited, but now this. I just was afraid that the rest of the week would go the way the last 24 hours had gone.
 I did ask for help and wisdom.  It lead me to finally do the one thing that was missing from all of us in this situation which is the Christian principle of speaking directly to each other and not about each other.  I was hurt because one person did not come directly to me, but to others who came to me.  However, I was just as guilty for not doing the same in return.  Finally after going to her, I found out that she was happy and things were okay.  Oh, the heartache that I could've saved if I would have done this earlier.  I did hold it all in between God and I for some time as I did not want to be guilty of this, but then gave in for my own human comfort.  After speaking with her, I did message two of my friends back home to be in prayer that unity could be restored for the cause of Christ and for my heart to come back to Christian love and God focus. 
In the end, the power of God in all of us was greater than anything the enemy threw our way.  The enemy wants nothing more than to kill the cause of Christ.  However, he did not win.  The week ended wonderfully and I left Hungary with happiness, excitement, as well as God focus restored and forgiveness from God for my failure for the asking.
However, from my second 8 hour plane ride home to the present, I really have been struggling.  Maybe not so much with the Elijah complex, but more from reflection of Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.  Again this is a dangerous road to travel as the enemy wants nothing more but to attack me here.  I feel that Satan attacked us all, by attacking my greatest weakness out of all of us there.  I did not go to serve the enemy, but to serve the staff, the campers, and ultimately God.  I failed Him in my selfishness, losing the focus, and by fearing the people.  I failed Him in my attitudes that came from a hurt heart.  More than anything, I displeased His heart in stating words that I can't take back in wanting to quit when things got a little rocky.  Even though I have seriously confessed my human failure and all the attitudes that were present in my failure as well as my sinful words wanting to quit, I feel so completely down in my human failure.  I feel as if in one day and a half I ruined everything that I was supposed to do in honoring Him.  I feel as though I not only failed Him but the campers, staff, and those who have prayed for and supported me.  I am truly forgiven by a great and wonderful God from the moment I confessed.  I am praying for His strength to forget what is behind and press on to the things that are before.  God can use anything and everything, even our failure for His ultimate glory when placed in His mighty hands.  It is not about me for without Him I can do nothing.  Instead it is about His work in me and He is not finished with me yet.  He came that I might have life and have it abundantly.  Lord, have Your way in me and help me to the other side of this.  I truly do love You (x3).

Grace in the Midst of One of My Greatest Mistakes

Today is a day that I have waited and anticipated for in patience for 3 years!  I am super excited and determined today that nothing and no one is going to take away my joy.  Today is an important day in my life, heart, and Christian journey.  Today is a day filled with special GRACE and a SECOND CHANCE in the midst of one of my greatest and sinful mistakes.  :-)

Part of me is nervous to be so open and public about the events that have led up to today.  I really can't believe that I am sharing this with the world.  Once I post this, there may be people who in judgment will look upon me differently that I meet and run into on a regular basis.  However, my heart is just so overjoyed that I feel the need to share.  I stand by my very first blog post.  There is joy and freedom in sharing our hearts and lives--the good, the bad, and the ugly, openly.  This is a part of the journey of my life as a Christian that cries aloud to be shared.  There is much for me to praise my wonderful God for today in the midst of my sin.  There is much to be thankful for in the grace of fellow Christians who extended the wonderful grace of God down toward me.  Grace is so undeserved.  That is what makes it grace. 

THE BACKGROUND

The 2009-2010 school year was a difficult one for me.  After 5 years of teaching at the same school, I moved positions into a new school in a different state.  I was excited for the change.  However, the change was a difficult one for me.  I couldn't seem to get the hang of things the way this perfectionist would like.  I struggled to fit and belong in my school with  1) my students inside my classroom and 2) in the school environment as a professional adult.  I allowed myself to get bitter and angry at my circumstances.  My lack of contentment and bitterness toward God and others in my circumstances led to depression.  This is when my heart started slowly to take a turn in the wrong direction away from God.  Even though I was in church and serving, my personal relationship with God and devotional time in prayer and Bible study halted.  The heart and mind of a Christian must be nourished daily in the Word and prayer to cultivate good things and grow.  I made an unwise decision to take myself away from what is best.  The end result was that my life in that time began to make compromises in obedience to God.  Small compromises unchecked led to even bigger compromises until God used attention to my own thoughts while in church one day to call my heart back to how far I had wandered away.  Christ led me to the decision to get back on the right path and in turn it has led to the closest relationship with God that I have ever known and experienced.  He has made me better and stronger for the journey.  However, there are parts of my life that I am not so proud of that occured in those moments of slowly walking away from Him.  One of those not so proud moments is where this blogpost needs to focus for a moment.


THE STORY REALLY BEGINS HERE!


In the Spring of 2010, I was a 2nd year student enrolled in a wonderful Bible College program called Faith Bible Institute.  Faith Bible Institute is a 3 year program broken into 6 semesters.  I attended the class by going to my church and watching the instructor's lessons once a week via DVD along with other students.  In addition to the weekly Bible College instruction, the class consists of Bible reading homework and tests on the content which are part of the grade for the semester.  At the end of the 3 year program, a student in the program who has met those requirements graduates with a Bible College Diploma. 

That Spring 2010 semester I attended all the classes and passed all the tests.  However, I only completed 4 weeks worth of the 17 weeks of required homework by the end of the semester.  The homework is calculated into the grade by the student checking off what they have done.  Honor system.  I had an important decision to make to 1) accurately report that I only finished 4 weeks of homework or 2) to be dishonest in my reporting.  Unfortunately the three times that I was required to check in with my homework accounting, I was dishonest.  :-(  I cheated by claiming that I did something (my homework) that I didn't do in order to receive the credit that I needed for the grade that I wanted--A.  Did I know it was wrong?  Of course I did.  However, I chose to rationalize my behavior.  I told myself that I would read it in the summer when things in my life calmed down.  I told myself it was no big deal as I passed all the tests honestly and attended all the classes.  Lies and rationalizations that were no match for the truth of what my behavior really was--sin.  My grade report came in the mail with all A's and I unfortunately thought nothing more about it. 

Fall 2010 semester came for Faith Bible Institute.  I was ready to go.  God was already working on my heart in those summer months about coming back fully to Him.  I was making the move back fully to Him.  My devotional life was back on track.  Much sin was confesssed and repented of.  I had even already talked to God about my sin of dishonesty with Faith Bible and asked His forgiveness.  I was following Him back step by step in sincere obedience as best as I knew how.  Things were looking good and looking up.  I was back to my old teaching job as well.  As I listened to the instructor teach a few weeks into class, God made it very clear one night that things were not 100% good.  While I had taken care of my sin with God, I lacked one important step.  I needed to come forward and make things right with Faith Bible Institute.  All night I struggled to listen to the teaching because God was giving me a choice. 1) Confess and apologize to Faith Bible to make things right with them or 2) Ignore what God was asking me to do.

As hard as it was, I stayed up until around 11 PM that night at home, writing an email to Faith Bible telling all--How I chose in a hard time in my life to lie to get credit for something that I didn't do.  With the honesty in what I had done, I also gave them my most humble apology, asking for a way in which we could make things as right as possible considering I had been given credit that was not mine to have as I didn't earn it.  I didn't know how they would respond.  It was such a scary experience.   The next day they sent me word that they had received my message and needed time to meet and prayerfully consider what steps needed to be taken based on my actions.  I also spent time praying for them in having to make a decision.  My sin affected them and placed them in a tough position.  After 3 long months of waiting (and I find it interesting that that was the exact period of time I had waiting from the date of my sin to confession to Faith Bible), they gave me their decision.

They determined that if I had been honest, then I would have received a B that semester since homework is only 1/3 of the grade.  However, since I was dishonest, they lowered my grade to a D.  This grade was a better than deserved natural consequence for my sin.  It meant that I would be allowed to graduate the three year program that June on schedule.  All the other 5 semesters were taken honestly.  Along with that, I was extended the invitation (though not required) to retake the semester again in 3 years when it came back around.  As long as it would be retaken--attendance, tests, and homework--in honesty, my transcript grade of a D could be changed to a higher grade.  What a wonderful and gracious decision that was handed down to me.  It was one that held me responsibile for my sin as actions always have consequences.  However, it also showed me love, grace, and forgiveness in the midst of a great mistake that I am not proud of in my life.

So what is today?  Today is the first day of that semester again in Faith Bible Institute.  It has been a long 3 year wait.  However, today I get to start again.  I am looking forward to doing it HONESTLY this time.  I am thankful to God and Faith Bible Institute for this day and for GRACE.  And...I never have regretted one moment of coming forward with the truth of my actions.  The truth does indeed set one free.

Thankful For What? and Love Even Who? Teach Me and Show Me How Lord!

Jesus Himself stated that all the commands of God which He has given for good (because He alone knows what is best for us) can be summed up in two commands alone.  1) Love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and 2) Love our neighbor as ourselves.  (Matthew 22:37-40).  Sounds easy enough doesn't it?  Easier said than done that is.  I often read these Scriptures with wonderful warm fuzzies and then seconds later am hit with the reality of the command in comparison to the reality of the human heart--especially my own.  Of course I love God.  However, am I loving Him with all that I am and all that I have above all my human worldly pursuits and ambitions?  Of course I love others.  However, am I loving only those who love me and treat me kindly when it is to my own benefit?  What about those who are my enemies?  What about those who are unkind to me?  What about those who treated me wrongly and unfairly? Do I show them love inwardly as well as in action?  Jesus commands that we love not only those who love us, but those who we would classify as our enemies and not only love them but bless them and pray for them.  (Luke 6:27-28).  None of this can be accomplished and done on our own relying on our own sufficiency, but only in asking God to show us how to do the impossible in His sufficiency.  God hears and answers and provides the supernatural strength to be who He asks us to be.  This is where the battle of my life and heart have been in the past few months.
God has given me the gift and the passion to be a teacher as ministry at church, but also as ministry and a job in the public school system.  Every year God gives me 90 plus students and their families to love and to serve and to teach with the heart of Christ.  It is not an easy job.  It has its ups and downs.  It is a job of endurance and labor of love.  However, I would not change it for the world.  It has always been my belief based upon the Sovereign control of the Lord that no one is my life by accident.  My God entrusts my students to me for His reasons.  Every year I learn just as much from them as I hope and pray they learn from me. 
This year, the lessons that I have learned from some of them (and the Lord) have been born out of some of the deepest and darkest pain that I ever felt in some time.  Students that I have loved and have worked hard to serve worked together to use the internet and technology to spread a cyberbully campaign in order to make fun of me, my personality, my faith, and my teaching.  It went on without my knowledge for months though I could feel its effects as I taught in my classroom and walked the halls of school (there were issues and prayers for wisdom, guidance, and direction since mid September).  When the full circle of all that happened came to the surface, I was beyond brokenhearted and crushed.  It was the week before thanksgiving as well. 
All I kept thinking of was God's Word that states to be "thankful in all things" and to "rejoice in all things."  My only response back was a wrong heart "thankful for what?"  However, there was quickly one thing that I could be thankful for and that was that God was the only One who truly knew and could understand the feelings of my heart.  He alone is the Healer of the brokenhearted and promises to be close to the brokenhearted.  I had two options 1) Run AWAY from Him 2) Run TO Him.  And RUN TO Him I did.  I was thankful that it was Thanksgiving break in a few days.  I used Thanksgiving break to battle the despair of my heart with the promises of His Word and Who He is and drowned much of myself into Him.  He renewed me in His strength and hope.  I didn't know HOW, but I did know WHO.  I didn't know WHY, but I knew WHO controlled all things.  I knew that I COULDN'T, but that HE COULD.  So, yes.  I could choose to be thankful.  I am not so much thankful for what happened, but I can praise Who He is and has been in the middle of it all.  1) No matter what happens in life He is a loving Father Who has blessed above that which I deserve.  The blessings are better than I ever deserve and the hard times are better than what I deserve. 2) All things will work together for my good because He alone is good and knows how to give His children good things 3) He alone knows how to get me to the other side of the storm as He is in control of the storm that is allowed.  4) He will make me better and stronger for the journey.
The hardest part of it all is that God has been and still is working on the character and who I am in my heart.  I certainly have not been perfect in all of this.  He is teaching me to love and serve those who have hurt my heart with a true inward sincerity.  This can only be done in relying on His help and strength.  It has served much in learning God sufficiency versus self sufficiency.  God has given me many joyous and wonderful moments with them that have come from His hand alone.  I cannot take the credit.  He is allowing me to show them who I am as a Christian and not just telling them.  He is helping me see all the more the love that He has for me for He loves me and forgives me even in my darkest moments.  In turn, I am called to provide others the same benefits.  Lord, help me to be who You need me to be.  Teach me and show me the way.  For You have placed me on this earth and with these students "for such a time as this."
P.S.  I am thankful also to others for their prayers in helping me fight the enemy and be strong and happy in heart.

When the Light of Christ Reveals a Crack in the Pot (Part 1)

I cannot believe that today is the last day of my summer break.  This teacher is still very tired.  This teacher could use at least another two weeks or so to relax and get some things accomplished.  However, this teacher is excited and eager to go "back to school."  It is teaching and leading children that fulfills the purpose that God has created me to do.  I have missed that purpose in the last two months and look forward with nervousness and joy to get that purpose going again.

As a Christian, I am a student under the teaching of the Master teacher.  His textbook which is approved by Him and written by Him is the Bible, His Holy Word.  It will never expire in 7 years and have to go to a new textbook adoption committee like school textbooks do.  It will stand forever (Isaiah 40:8).  His Word is quick, powerful, sharper than any twoedged sword, is a divider of soul and spirit, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart (Hebrews 4:12).  God has used His Word greatly over the course of the last month to take me "back to school."  He has used His Word to reveal what would seem at first to be small, but yet upon closer inspection big flaws in not only my actions but character as a Christian woman.  The perfect Light of the character of Christ, has shown through the darkness of my sinful heart, exposing two major areas of my life that are in need of molding and repair by God, the Master Potter (Isaiah 64:8).  I will reveal and uncover both of these areas one blog post at a time as I believe it will be difficult to put them together in one post.  Therefore this is Part 1.  Part 2 will come in time.

If someone were to ask you to list the top 5 qualities/characteristics that should be evident in the life of a Christian woman, what would your list include?  Take the time and create this list for yourself.

I know that inquiring minds would want to know my list.  Here it is:

1) Kind/Gentle
2) Generous
3) Compassionate
4) Forgiving
5) Honest/trustworthy

So how did my list compare to yours?  Somehow I believe that at least a few words were similar.  In this post I wish to speak of my number 5--Honesty or Trustworthiness.  I want to be a person who is honest.  God is Truth.  His Word is Truth.  God delights in Truth.  Therefore, I want to be a person that people can trust to speak the truth.

I would like to think of myself as a fairly honest person.  As a child, I would run to my parents and teachers with the truth, even when I was not caught in my misdeeds.  More than once I have turned in lost wallets/purses.  More than once I have returned money when too much change was handed back to me and even given to me in paychecks.  I have been tempted by bosses in the retail world and teaching world to represent information dishonestly and have refused--even if it meant my job.  I have received awards specifically for the characteristic of being honest.  All of these things are wonderful and show the working and strength of God upon my life in helping me to show forth honest things.  Praise God!  I have set out writing this blog as a means of being open and honest about the journey of my heart in the Christian life.  I have been very honest about things that are hard to admit.  But truly, how honest am I?  The last month has shown me that I am not as honest as I would like or more importantly that God would like.

I took a challenge in my devotional study to listen and examine my communication.  OUCH!  It was here that I found and undercovered much lying and deceit.  It was not in "big" things.  It was in things that humanly speaking were "small."  Let me clarify.  I view sin as sin.  I am not under the notion that there are big sins and little sins.  All sin is sin, missing the mark of God's perfection, disobeying Him, and displeases Him.  When I say that I lied about "small" things I mean that they are things in which telling the truth would be nothing huge.  Here are examples of my life in which I found that may help one to understand.  Warning:  If you read these examples and find that you are the friend, please forgive me for my dishonesty.  I assure you that God in His loving discipline is dealing with me and working to help me correct my sin in this area.

1) A friend asked me how things were going in casual conversation.  Even though I was having a hard time and things were not going so well, I found it acceptable to say that I was doing great.  I did not have give them a whole book or every detail.  However, I could've said that I was going through some difficulties in which God would get me through and that I would appreciate their prayers.  Dishonest vs. Honest
2) A teacher friend and I were talking about lesson planning for the upcoming year.  As we were talking I got to thinking of a great idea for a lesson for mathematics.  In speaking with the friend, I spoke of my idea as having already used the plan in my classroom.  I should've said something along the lines of getting a new idea that I was going to plan to use in classroom this coming year.  Dishonest vs. Honest
3) I am a person who is such a perfectionist that when it comes to big projects (planning, lessons, deadlines, grading, assignments, items that I am in charge of for a group). I spend much time planning in my head, but wait for the last minute to get it down on paper or to get it started.  This summer I have shown much progress in working at things well in advance.  :-)  However, at times I need the pressure of a deadline to make it happen. I am at times very ashamed of this even though I take things seriously, spend much time on them, and they get done well.  In my pride I will tell people that I already have things done that I do not have done--even though I still have time to finish it.  Instead I should tell people that I have it thought through and need to get a little more motivated and confident in the plan of mind to put it to action.  Dishonest vs. honest
4)   I am not the best cook in the world.  I am more of a baker.  I am getting better at cooking now because of my special diet that is different and needs variety in order to keep to it.  I am enjoying learning to cook for my diet.  In my past because I could not cook, I have claimed to have made something that I did not.  Truth is that I did make it in some form, but it was really store bought at best or from a box.  Though most of the time I am honest in this area, I caught myself on this awhile back.  Dishonest vs. Honest

I think that I could come up with many more examples.  When God and I looked at this seriously it was like finding a flea.  You never find just one.  Where there is one, there are many more.  God gave me examples going back for a year or more.  These things are not the big things in life.  Would someone who is truly my friend love me any less for having a difficult time, coming up with a new lesson plan idea to try and share for our benefit, not having started something officially yet as long as it was done well, or for using store bought resources well to provide food for myself or others?  I would hope not.  So why would I feel the need to lie and at times not even realize the lie that came out at that moment until days or hours later?  The only answer that I have is that of sinful pride. 

I want to be a good Christian friend.  I want to provide for honest things before God and men (2 Cor. 8:21) not only in the big stuff, but in the little details as well.  God has shown me the little seeds of dishonesty that I have sown into relationships that are important to me.  It has been an overwhelming flood of sadness over these seeds of sin.  I want to be 100% trustworthy.  I hope that those reading this can still love and trust me.  God has broken me here and is working to put me back together anew.  In the last few weeks I have seen due to Him much growth and victory in this sin area as I have given this to my Potter. 

"And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter: so he made it again another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it." Jeremiah 18:4

The Spiritual Battle Behind the Battle of the Bulge

I write this section of my blog with much fear, yes I said it fear.  Why?  Of all things to speak about among any audience, let alone women, weight is a very touchy subject.  Every man learns quickly not to ask a lady her weight.  Every lady knows that you only speak of your weight with a person you know, love, and trust--and even then it is difficult. 
For those of you reading, I am no stranger to the issue of weight.  When I speak of the issue of weight, I am not just talking about that 10 to 20 pounds that every person seems to want to lose.  The only picture of me being a "normal" size is that of when I was 4 years old in a beautiful sailor dress getting my picture taken at Sears.  My whole childhood I grew up overweight.  In the past 15 years my weight has been as low as 240 pounds and as high as 360 pounds.  I say this to try to bring reassurance, creditability, and a caring heart in the nature of this topic of which I am writing.
I have recently lost 42.5 pounds (from 325 pounds to 282.5 pounds since May 19th) which has been a major victory and celebration for me. I do give the praise and the glory to the Lord in this physical battle, for reasons you will discover as you read.  Many who have seen me and the change in a little less than 3 months have asked what I have been doing.  My normal answer goes to that of a lifestyle change in eating habits to a more all natural, gluten free, soy free, and diary free diet whenever possible.  However, there is a big part of the story that I often forget to mention.  After speaking with a friend this week about some of the things that I often leave out, I feel the need to state the whole story.  It is one that honors a God who is the ultimate Healer and Deliverer of whatever holds our hearts and lives captive.
In my previous blogs I have spoken about my turn back to the Lord from a lukewarm heart at best to one who is trying with His help to live daily in passion and continued spiritual growth in Him.  In doing so, God has done much to heal areas of sin in my life, hurt in my life, and regrets of my life.  He has used the good and bad of my life and actions to my good to make me more like His Son and to have opportunities unheard of to serve Him and others.   However, if there is one thing that I have learned in my spiritual transformation, it is that God will not enter a place where we have not invited Him to go.  He will use His Spirit to nudge and convict.  Then when we are willing to cry out that we need His guidance, His strength, and His forgiveness, He enters into that area of our lives and starts to make changes.  He loves it when we realize our weakness and need against His infinite, omnipotent supply.  This is where my spiritual transformation began to take wings and fly.  This is also where my physical transformation in weight began to do the same.
Around March of this past school year the physical struggles of my body were very evident as I could no longer go up and down my three story school building to get my students where they needed to go.  My feet and knees were three times swollen as to where they are now.  I was tired and had no energy to make it through the smallest of schedule days without crashing.  I felt miserable.  I did something that I had never done before for my physical state (except for minor sickness) which is call out to help from the Lord who I knew could do all things.  I asked Him to enter this struggle with me and all the feelings of hurt that I had endured from others in being teased and cast aside for my outward appearance.  If He could heal the spiritual part of me, could He not also heal the emotional and physical?  Little did I realize the journey ahead.
People have always in help tried to tell me not to worry about my weight because it was the inside that counted.  I love their thoughts and the truth that is behind them.  Just look at what God told Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:7 and what Peter told the ladies of the church in 1 Peter 3:3-4.  The true beauty of a woman comes not from outward adorning, but from the inside character of the heart, flowing outward for all to see Christ in her.  I want to be beautiful inwardly from the inside out.  I want to show Christ to others from the inside out.  That is the greatest desire of my heart.  But...How can I be a minister to Him if my health is slowly keeping me from being able at a fairly young age?
Slowly God showed me something unheard of for me.  I had to agree to one of the hardest sins that I had never in 32 years of life ever admitted to--that much of eating for me was not a way to stay nourished, but a way to fulfil and satisfy the lusts of the flesh.  That eating was much a form of idol worship of my heart and life.  That by running to food for comfort in times of emotion and stress instead of or alongside of Him was not a way to honor and glorify Him, but quite the contrary.  Believe me that was a hard place for me to come to.  However, God knew that if I ever was going to make progress that this step had to be one that needed to be taken.  God had to work from the inside of me outward.  So yes!  Much of the battle of the bulge was a spiritual battle as well for me.
Once I was able to admit my sin in this area of my life, God knew I was ready for some answers of how to get started.  My body as a Christian is His temple (1 Corinthians 3:16, 17 and 1 Corinthians 6:19-20).  It is important what I feed it, what goes in it, and how I treat it.  God then lead me to the information and program that I am working with now.  It is one that is healthier and I believe that it is one that follows Biblical principals.  Why did He not give me this information earlier?  Personally, I was not ready.  My heart needed work.
I know that I have a long way to go.  I know personally that I could probably exercise more.  I may not lose any more weight.  I know I will never be a size 2.  My desire is just to be healthy and treat His temple well. My desire is for food not to come before Him.  I have a new perspective for who I am and what it means to put Him first.  I say this not to get others to change or to say that what I am doing as a plan is right and the best.  I just praise Him for working through my heart and providing answers as well a will power for me to be better spiritually and phyiscally in this area.  It all started with the concept of Jeremiah 33:3.  I called into Him and He answered my plea.  :-)

When Weeds are in the Garden of our Hearts

Weeds are like posion.  They grow and seek to destroy by choking the life and the beauty out of a garden.  Any avid gardener would be able to speak of the importance of getting rid of weeds.  A gardener who is not diligent in removing weeds will place their garden on "life support" so to speak.

Christian, we have a garden.  That garden is the garden of our hearts.  Be not deceived.  We MUST be diligent gardeners when it comes to our hearts.  God says in Proverbs 4:23 "Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life."  While God cares about all aspects of who we are, the best indicator of our spiritual health is our hearts. God looks carefully and cares about our hearts.  Our hearts are only human on this side of heaven, but He desires and deserves the best of hearts that we can offer to Him.  With that said, we must not be sloppy gardeners.  We must daily ask God to help us examine our hearts (Psalm 139:23-24).  Anything that He then shows us that is not in accordance to the truth of His Word and His character, is a weed of sin that we must not let grow any longer.  When God shows us a sin weed, we must do what any good gardener does with weeds--remove, remove, remove.  How do we remove the weeds of sin?  We go to the Master Gardener, God, who is faithful to complete the good work that He has started in the lives of His children (Phil. 1:6).  We must confess the sin weeds openly to God and declare with His help the desire to turn from that sin in repentance.  Then God who is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9) goes to work to remove our sin weeds, making our garden weed free and ripe for growth.

Over the past two years I have worked hard with the Lord to keep my heart growing. I almost daily take time to be quiet before the Lord in prayer and the reading of His Word. I believe these two things keep the soil of my heart fertile and soft for growing. I have taken great pains to guard what I watch, what I listen to, who I am around, and where I am going.  This is like spreading a little Miracle Grow.  I ask the Lord to daily help me review the events of the day and examine my heart so that in confession and repentance, I can allow Him and His power to be the killer of my weeds of sin. 

This month many battles and attacks from Satan, in spiritual warfare brought about some weeds of sin in my heart that were displayed in my inner thoughts and attitudes.  Only the Lord and I could see them and knew of their presence.  Sin weeds under the names of selfishness, pride, jealousy, anger, lack of faith/trust, unpure motives were raging a war on my heart due to my self-will in circumstances that I was hit with in the spiritual battle one after another.  Many of these attacks came because Satan knew the work of the Lord that I was seeking to accomplish for the good of His kingdom.  Satan wanted to distract me from doing the work and knock my focus in my ministry. The problem and the panic of my heart was that these weeds of sin in my thoughts and attitudes just would not die, even though I sought the Lord in confession and repentance.  Yes they would go for a short period of time.  However, they would not stay dead. 

I did the only thing that I knew to do.  Every time they arose, I went to battle in prayer to my wonderful God.  Many times I fell numb to the floor over the condition of my heart before Him.  I opened up everything I was feeling and how I was sinning, begging for relief and a permanent change of heart.  The battle was exhausting at times.  Not to mention that I physically got ill as well in the middle of the battle front.  I also called a rally of Christians to offer my name before the throne of God.  There is strength in numbers.  A select few knew all the details of the war, while most only knew that I was in war and needed the armor of God and strength of the Lord around me.  It did not matter, God knew the details and desires to set these hinderances aside.  They only needed to mention my name.

Thank God for victory and relief for the present time.  My heart is in a proper place in regard to the circumstances.  My sin was still that-- sin.  No excuses.  I am responsible.  However, due to my diligence and desire to protect my heart, the prayers of others, and a wonderful God, outward actions that could've come from those inner sinful attitudes were killed before they could bring harm and spread to others.